Evening all. Am up with my lovely wife. I am going to have to be quick as she understandably would like to spend some time with me rather than watch 2010 come in with me on the computer!
The picture above is what my kids now have with the vouchers my Mother and brother sent them for Christmas.
And I am going to go now.
My new years resolution is to procrastinate less,
Actually never mind, I'll do it next year.
Chelsea lose Anelka for festive matches
Afternoon all. The family are sated after eating Christmas lunch. My son however did not eat. Unwell, he chucked up again this morning (over our bed) and later in the morning, did a poo worthy of the bog of eternal stench. Now, time to post here for the Grandparents.
My daughter loved the day, however, she woke up twice during the night, the second time waking up her brother, before 0500! Neither went to sleep, which meant that my wife and I did not get any sleep even when we put them in our bed. After breakfast, and the second bath for my son in a day (the first after his vomit, the second after a poo which went down his leg), they got to start opening the presents. The kids loved what they got. My daughter got sparkling nail varnish from Father Christmas and has been using the doctors bag she got on Little Miss Sunshine.
Anyway, time to post on my role playing groups, and if possible, Yahoo Answers. I got loads of best answers there, which means that someone must have voted for loads of my answers. If you are reading this, thanks!
Anyway, time to go. I hope you like this joke...
I went to buy a cat today.
The guy in the shop said "Would you like a tabby or a siamese?"
I said "I'm not really bothered. It's for my python"
An interesting game. Nasri was out of order for stepping deliberately on the foot of another player. And Hull were very fortunate to get a penalty which was not one. But we won. Which makes a change after drawing against Burnley. If we are to win the title, we must capitalise when the teams ahead of us slip up.
Anyway, the kids. They are loving the time now. In case you are not aware, it is snowing here. I was snowed in on Friday and was not able to make it to work. The kids loved the weather. Well they did at first! But then the cold got to them. Since then, we and they have learned. My daughter loves throwing snow balls at me, and my son loves to taste snow as it drifts down onto his open mouth.
Last night, I got home, kissed my daughter good night, then picked up my son to give him a kiss. As I put him down, he coughed, and then vomited. And then continued to do so. Over the bedroom wall, the bathroom... Boy did I wish I had just left him alone. Took him a while to get him to bed afterwards and the vomiting continued for a while. He would get better, then chuck up again. Anyway, today, he has had one very foul nappy. One of his worst, if not the worst he has ever done. And he has been off his food, which considering he is a human dustbin, is very unusual for him! But, despite that, he is well in himself, still attacking his sister etc!
Anyway, I hope this makes you laugh...
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom had just started school.
A teacher commented to the boy that she couldn't believe he was already in Year One and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels, I think." he replied...
An unnamed Premier League manager has been seen visiting a property used as a brothel.
Well Mark Hughes is in the clear then.
Wenger refuses to rule out Sol swoop
Good morning all. I am downstairs with the kids. As I start to type this, they are watching Charlie and Lola. And they are only getting in each others way on occasion. If one sits somewhere, the other wants to sit there. If one wants to play with something, the other wants to play with it. Keep them apart, and they miss the other though. Though, of course, once I type this, they have decided to give each other space. My daughter is watching Ooglies and my son is wondering about playing on the cooker (do not worry Mum, it is a toy one) or doing other things. This week they have been greeting me at the door, though when I come through the door, they do remind me of the Squeeze toy aliens from Toy Story. Amusing though.
We had guests round last night. Miranda and Francis with Barbara and Chris for a meal. It was great having them round. Drinks, and of course, the great food that my wife makes. Anyway, drinks, up late last night. And so, my wife is getting much needed sleep upstairs. Which is why I, sleep deprived, am awake. (They wake at 0600 without fail.)
I will of course try to watch the Arsenal match at Anfield on television. With our recent results, I am not too hopeful of a result in this game. Especially as Liverpool have had loads of set backs and really have something to prove.
Anyway, I hope this makes you laugh...
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Aquilani to make bow in dead rubber
I was feeling really ill yesterday. My son was not too well then either. He, like me is not 100%, but is getting better. Snotty nose and all that. So yesterday I was in bed practically all day. My son had to get some kip he not being too well on the weekend, but getting worse on Monday night. My daughter was quite concerned, asking me if I was going to go to heaven and asking my wife if I was ever going to get out of bed! But she was quite kind and told me a story.
Unfortunately, that meant time off work, but trust me, I would rather have gone into work than felt as ill as I did! On the bright side, I did get to watch a video on YouTube that I have been meaning to watch for ages.
Anyway, I took my kids out for a walk to get the paper earlier. My son is now with me playing on his toy laptop while I post this, and my daughter has gone out with my wife to the shops while we wait for the playhouse they are going to get for Christmas to be delivered.
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
How we did not score more goals in that game is amazing. No recognised centre forward. And we won. And we should have had many more goals.
Anyway. Back to the kids. My son on the weekend refused to eat grapes as my wife had not put them on the plate. He got into a strop, as my wife had put them down on a table, looked at her, then put them on a plate. And then started to eat them.
Anyway, did my night shift. Come the morning, got some much needed sleep and woke up to my wife banging on the door as she tried to come in the house. Apparently, her idiot husband had put the chain on! Spent time playing with the kids. My daughter watched Kindergarten Cop which was interesting. More so as I can understand the effect kids have on you more now!
I am sure there is more to type about, but I am knackered and want to go to sleep. Good night, and enjoy the joke.
My girlfriend Alice is paying for me to get a tattoo of my ex-girlfriend's name removed from my arm as my Christmas present.
Fuck that, I'm getting her a deed poll, she's changing her name to Jodie.
Wenger: No regrets over Hughes spat
Well, it has now been reported. Not that many who watched the match will be surprised as the language was easily to make out thanks to lip reading. And the professor himself has decided to talk about it, or rather not.
Anyway, took the kids to Bluewater today. My wife drove down first and I followed with the kids later after feeding them. Which meant I got to spend the morning with them, feeding them and having a laugh with them as well. Now, I am at her parents, trying to sleep as I am working over night tonight. Well, I did fall asleep, but then my wife came in to check up on me, and now I can not get back to sleep! Anyway, while there, she saw some Storm Troopers, some Clone Troopers, and Darth Maul. Having managed to make her love Star Wars, she loved it, especially when she went into John Lewis and actually shook hands with Darth Vader himself! And to make matters even better, she is now watching Return of the Jedi. Which made things a bit of a problem when my mother phoned to talk to her from abroad as she wanted to watch the film. Mum, if you are reading this, phone tomorrow at 1900 GMT and she will be ready to speak.
So I am reading up on the football, and the world cup draw.
So, with North Korea being drawn in the same group as Portugal, is anyone else hoping that Kim Jong-il has Cristiano Ronaldo assassinated?
Well, it is almost the weekend, and I am at home with my wife watching Spooks. So far, she has not taken a golf club to me. Have been back at work, and yes, I do like it. I did manage to spend Wednesday with the kids. And my wife. (She is enjoying a banker being tortured right now by Ros who has lost the plot a bit.)
Anyway, an update on the kids. My daughter has been to a birthday party where she sang. My son has been to a baby gym (well, he is a toddler) and loved it. Both happened yesterday. Now, to bed. Well, after Spooks...
Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing
What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.
Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.
It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.
Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.
What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.
First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?
Manchester City 3-0 Arsenal / Sport / Home - Morning Star
Oh well, we lost. But the newspaper reports are biased. They seem to forget the language Mark Hughes was using. I am not sure I would shake hands with a man who spent the 90 minutes swearing loads about my team...
Adebayor prepares to meet old foes / Sport / Home - Morning Star
I am concerned. Are we going to win. Shitty are a good side. Despite the run of draws that they have had. And the two ex-Gunners are going to have something to prove. Well, I know my team can win. Will they win though...
Well, it is the last few days of my holiday. And although I am going back to work officially on Monday, I am going to temp on Saturday which means my holiday will be over sooner rather than later. Yesterday we spent time in Bicester, doing some shopping, having spent the day before in Oxford. The hotel was nice, breakfast was great. Unfortunately, dinner did not suit my wife. I liked it, but not only was service not as good as I would have liked (at first to be fair, it got better later) but they got our bill wrong. Now, as I said, breakfast, brilliant. Even my daughter, who I am convinced is solar powered (as she eats so little) loved it! My son loves the time I am spending with him, though he still likes to try and take me on. He and my daughter have started to play fight at times, and now both want to wrestle with me. Fun, though at times, my son will get carried away.
Anyway, I hope you find this funny...
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
Well, it has been a while since my past post. Too long really. At the moment, I am off work, a two week holiday. Though I have been temping during that! Have spent time with the kids, and also watching films. My wife and I took my daughter to watch Up last week and today, we watched Twilight - New Moon. An interesting film which tells me more about how I have changed the way I watch films now that I am a father. I have been spending the odd moment posting on Yahoo Answers again and while researching one answer, I found a post somewhere else that was copied and pasted from one of my answers! Which was flattering really.
Anyway, Up, good film. Love it. The first film we took our daughter to. And my review will tell all. The same with Twilight - New Moon. Have to read the books. Well, I will try the first one and see what comes of that. I might watch the first film. Might. Went out with my wife to Smiths before watching the film as our kids were at nursery. Watching the film was interesting. Since being a parent, our perspectives on films and television has changed. Where as we would identify with the younger before, now it is the parents we look at. But I will post more on the film review site.
I have nearly finished reading Voyage of the Dawn Treader to my daughter, and my son spends every day trying to get me to love him more. As if that were possible. He is learning to talk, and is trying to say things. Often with his thumb in his mouth. I am waiting for him to get a security blanket next. And although he loves me lots, he still tries to attack me at times as he seeks to be Alpha male.
Anyway, I hope you like the joke...
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Evening all.
Afternoon all. Am getting my energy back again. Had to go to work this morning for a meeting. And last night we had some people round for dinner. It was a good night, but I was really tired. I had to call it a night before the end, and my wife was still up at three in the morning! Which meant that I could not look after the kids this morning like I normally like to. I love looking after them, and it is not that nice when I miss out on that. Not to mention the fact that my wife normally gets much needed rest during times like this. Anyway, I have to prepare as tonight I am going to let of some fireworks. My son did not really get a chance to appreciate them last year as he was so young. My daughter did, and she is looking forwards to tonight.
Anyway, have to do, and I hope you like the joke...
Man joins the foreign legion and gets sent to a fort in the Sahara desert 20 miles from the nearest town. After a while he asks his mate what everyone does for sex as they're stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Friend tells him there's a local Arab named Abdul who's got camels. Man says "Camels, no fucking way I'd rather wank that's fucking disgusting".
Few weeks later he's gagging for it so says to his mate "Okay it'll have to be a camel then. Where can I find this fucking rag head?"
Sees Abdul and says to him "I'm busting for a rub and I've been told you've got camels I can use to sort myself out".
Abdul says "That's right it'll cost you 50 francs".
Man pays, stands looking at the camel's arse, then with a shrug he unzips it, lifts up the camel's tail and gets rid of six weeks worth of baby glue. When he'd finished he said to Abdul. "Bet you get to see a lot of that don't you?"
Abdul replied "No first time, everyone else rides the camel into town to the brothel."
Evening all. In bed with my lovely wife while she watches New Tricks.
I spent yesterday with the kids. Which I love doing. My son was not that well, a bit unwell, and fell asleep on me before lunch. Unfortunately that meant that he did not sleep afterwards and fell asleep before his dinner! He keeps trying to play with her guitar. Yesterday she decided to play it to one of her favourite songs when it was on Radio 2. Her guitar of course being one of her birthday presents. One great thing about them is the way they run up to me when I come home. Of course I also love it when my wife does the same. Anyway, watched Spooks as well with her last night after putting the kids to bed, reading them the Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Anyway, time to go to bed. Have just heard about the shootings on the army base in the USA and am watching about the five men murdered in Afghanistan while training Afghans to safeguard Afghanistan. It is a shame that there is so much violence, but it is important to remember the sacrifice these men and women make, and of course, most of us will be doing so soon.
On a lighter side, Arsenal won again. And I hope you like the joke and I hope all have a safe Guy Fawkes night and do not take any silly risks...
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
I was going through a phase of putting jokes up as the title for the posts, but this one deserves special attention. You see, we beat the scum 3-0 on the weekend. A very enjoyable game. One which was close until the first two goals went in. Of course, every Arsenal fan was concerned that the score at half time in the midweek game against West Ham was 2-0 and the game ended in a draw. My kids watched the first to goals go in, but went to bed at half time. But the victory was all the sweeter considering that one member of the Scum thought that they had a better squad than us!
Anyway, it was Halloween last week. On Saturday, we went out with the kids, trick-or-treating and found quite a few familiar faces. First, we spent time with Sally, Simon and the kids, as well as meeting up with other from down the road. And then out on the streets getting sweets. Or rather the kids went out for sweets. While out there, we met Jo and Patrick from the Lemon Tree and I had to keep running back to make sure that kids got sweets when they knocked on ours. Anyway, once again, I am tired, and want to go to bed. I hope you all like this joke...
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
Afternoon all. It has been a while since my daughters birthday. She now is four. It only seems like yesterday that she was born and I held her in my arms. Now she is gaining independence. Just like her younger brother.
She loved her birthday. We took them to Adventure Land where her and her brother had loads of fun. And her friends came. And of course, she loved that. I swear that the solution to global warming is to stick dynamo's on kids and soak up the energy they use running about! David and Tony stayed down till after the party, thought they did not come to Adventure Land, which made sense, as for those without kids, it would be very very boring. But that is life with kids, you find all sorts of things that kids do fascinating, whereas those who still have lives...
Anyway, my son has not been too well, though he seems to be getting better, which we can tell as he has started to cause trouble again!
Anyway, have to go, I hope you like the joke...
A primary school teacher was observing her children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God".
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like".
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute".
Evening. Am watching Match of the Day right now. I do not know the Arsenal score though.David and Tony have been down from the grim north for my daughters birthday. Today is the last day that she is three! After reading her a chapter from Prince Caspian went down, ate with our guests and then watched bits of Strictly come Dancing. After my wife went to bed, Tony watched the X-factor which we have not really watched at all this series. After watching John and Edward, I felt that I really should not have bothered. They were really really bad, but I did get to see Stacey Solomon. When she speaks, I feel the urge to shoot her. When she sings though...
Anyway, today, spent time with the kids this morning, while my wife was preparing for things for tomorrow. In the afternoon took my daughter to get her bear for her birthday tomorrow. We had wanted to go in earlier, but unfortunately, my wife is coming down ill so it had to be in the afternoon. But she loved it, actually, both my daughter and my wife loved it. She chose a unicorn rather than a proper bear, got it stuffed, and then helped get its birth certificate ready. My son liked the day as well, as I made him walk the first part of the day from the car park to the shop. He did try to escape from time to time, but then he is not even two and loves traffic!
And the title of the blog above refers to an article written in the Mail about the death of the Boyzone singer.
Anyway, I have to get some sleep and watch the matches. Hope you like the joke...
“Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
Well, it has been a week or more since I last posted. I have been ill, tired or busy. So sorry.
Got home last week on Tuesday to find that the kids were being put into the bath. My son, naked was screaming a bit, so I picked him up to hold him. Just as well. He gave me a very nice hug, and then did a wee on me. Just as well I had got back from work rather than going out. And I guess it could have been worse. And as it went on me, and soaked into my clothes, hardly any went onto the floor, which made things easier to clean up.
On Wednesday, Lynn came round, which both kids loved. They love her loads and my daughter spent time talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and did I mention that she was talking to her? My son who can not talk spent time with her as well handing her various items he felt that she should hold!
And on the weekend, it was a trip down to see my Father-in-law as it was his birthday. He loved having the kids round. There were balloons on the door which both kids loved. And cake, and jelly.
As for me, I managed to watch the Arsenal match where we beat Blackburn 6-2. But Blackburn did not really play that well and had a penalty turned down which they should have got. Such matches are frustrating for me as I am an Arsenal fan of old and am used to clean sheets. If we had played a half decent team, we would have been beaten as Blackburn did not press us, gave us too much time on the ball and we are really bad at defending. But at least I also got to watch the highlights of the Ukraine-England match. Not live, but highlights afterwards thanks to the BBC.
Anyway, have to go now. Hope you like the joke...
I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
Today was a day spent on the whole, without the kids. Both went to nursery today. Of course, after feeling tired the night before, both awoke at 0600. Or rather, my wife and I felt tired the night before! But hey, why have kids and then except to sleep in late?
Took my daughter to the nursery only for a fire alarm to have sounded, which meant that we had to wait before I got to drop her off. I dropped off my son later. He screamed. You see, he does not like it there. But he has only been there for a few days, and he is gradually being broken into it.
While they were gone, my wife and I worked on sorting out the many toys they have. Loads can go away to a land called car boot. But of course, they need not be told of this. Make me wonder what happened to toys that were 'lost' when I was a child!
Anyway, am watching Flash Forward. And once that is over, bed. Good night all.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!
Tired once again.
Took the kids to see my mother on Saturday. They got to see my two brothers and Jess (the youngest ones good looking partner). Both loved playing with Dougal, who according to the older of my two brothers, is never as excited as he is when he sees my two kids. My mother bought my eighteen month old son a toy motorbike. A shame it says (clearly) in the packaging that it is not suitable for kids under 36 months! She also got some things for my daughter, but taking them home, I found out that they were already broken!
Today my wife's parents got back from holiday. I did not get to see the reaction as the kids saw them this morning as I sadly was at work. But I did get to see them this afternoon. Had to look after them this evening as I had arranged for my wife to go to a wine tasting at a nearby wine shop. She cooked for them before she left, and all I had to do was feed them.
I can not remember if I have said this before, but my son loves meat, and my daughter hates anything with calories in it. A bit of an exaggeration I guess. But to make the meal interesting, I changed the Roast Chicken to roast seagull, carrots became Monkey Fingers, beans were rat's tails and the potatoes were hamster brains. While it may sound gross, it got my daughter to eat loads, and with little fuss. The only down side was that I had to make up a story as to why she was eating each item. Mind you, that was not really that much of a downside!
Evening all. And in bed with my missus. And we are both ill.
But never mind, the kids, who were ill are almost back to normal. This weekend, I took the kids to see my mother (and they also got to see my two brothers for a short period of time) and we watched Kung Fu Panda and the Cannonball Run II. Also, of course, we have taken time to watch Strictly Come Dancing and my daughter has now watched some of the BBC Narnia series. I had to have Friday of due to a doctors appointment. Or rather a hospital appointment. My wife was concerned I had something serious. I was not. Fortunately, I was right, this time. She was quite concerned about me and her worry has made her stressed, and now she is ill. Mind you, the rest of us are as well. Nothing like Swine Flu, just a series of bad colds, one after the other.
Anyway, time to go to bed. I hope you like the joke. And good night.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
Evening all. It has been far too long since my last post. Right now I am sitting with my daughter at the table waiting for her to eat listening to a playlist on the (ugh, spit) iPod of her songs. Last weekend, when I played it, she threw her head back and wailed "But it's not ABBA!" which she loves after watching Mamma Mia. (A film that really straight men should be banned from having to watch.)
And now, by the time I found the links for the paragraph above, she has given up eating. We have a rule, you do not have to eat everything on your plate, but you do not get dessert if you have not. TO be fair, she has eaten loads today, while her brother seemed to have held out today for dinner which he gulped down!
Anyway, have to go. Hope you all are well. And that you like the joke below...
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
This was an actual question given on a University chemistry mid term exam.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it now.
The student wrote the following:
First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during fresher’s week that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and taking into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven - thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Evening all. I have spent a great weekend with the kids. My wife went to a hen night (I will see if I can upload a video at a later date) and so I had the kids on the Saturday night. As I was at my parents-in-law it was no big deal. Mind you, when I have had them at home before, it was not big deal. Apart from my son screaming for a few hours.
So I took them to spend time with my side of the family. My two brothers and my Mum. And Dougal of course. We went to Highgate park where the kids played in a park and my daughter ran about with Dougal. Considering that she used to be terrified of him, this is a big step. Anyway, hope you like the joke and good night.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about."
"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was barefooted, so I gave her your good sandals that you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater that I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then, just as she was about to leave, she asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore'?"
Again it has been good to spend the day with my children. Once again, I am now at home.
Come the morning, after being woken up by both of them, I took them downstairs and let my daughter watch Clone Wars. She loved it. My son loved spending time with me as well. Taking him to the shops, he sat on my shoulders, walked about with me and looked for attention as always! I can not wait until he is old enough to watch the films. Mind you, I can not wait until my family are back at home with me!
I hope you like the joke...
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
"Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed."
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
