Attack of the clones

Evening all. I hope you all are well.

Before I go to sleep, I thought I would post about what I did with my kids on Wednesday.  I spent some time with my daughter brainwashing her into loving Star Wars by getting her to watch Attack of the Clones.  She loved it.  I guess I only have a limited amount of time to get her to like things before she goes to school and starts to like what friends like.  Peer pressure eh?

As for my son, well, he has his own sense of humour.  He is able to understand us.  If we tell him we want to change his nappy, he will toddle away from us as fast as he can go!

And on that topic...

What's the difference between perverted and sick?

Perverted is when you shit on the wife's stomach during a tit wank.

Sick is when you write "I love you" in it with your finger.

The Phantom Menace

Afternoon all.  Hope you are all well.  That is if anyone reads this!  First of all, I thought I would post a picture of where I am on the Yahoo Answers leaderboard.  Yes, I am addicted.  No, I am not seeking treatment.  Yes I probably should.

Anyway, back to the real reason I am posting here.  My family.  Still they are down at the parents-in-law.  Which means that I only get to see them on weekends and Wednesday's.  But it will not be for long.  God willing.  Once the kitchen is completed, they will be moving back.  But I am not too sure it will be completed by the end of the month.  

This means that today, I will be driving back to Colchester and will drive back down late on Tuesday evening.  As I get in so late, all I do is kiss my kids while they are asleep and spend an hour or so with my wife.  If we are lucky, we get to watch Dollshouse together.  Sometimes, when I kiss my daughter good night, she wakes up to say that she loves me.  I need to treasure these moments as I doubt I will have them in ten years time as both will be hormonal wrecks!  

My son is asleep next to me right now.  We have taken them to a local park where they had loads of fun.  He misses me.  I know this as he screams if I leave him.  Thankfully, not all the time, but my daughter at his age did not really miss me if I was not about.  I have spent the time this weekend converting my daughter to the joys of Star Wars.  I have managed to get her to watch the original three films, but as my copy of the Phantom Menace is in storage, we have had to watch it on You Tube.  I must get her to like Science Fiction before she goes to school and is subject to peer pressure not to like it! 

Anyway, time for that joke.  I hope it makes you laugh.  It did with me!  

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday. 

The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."

The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe. 










She fakes it with Ken."

Evening all.  Sorry for the delay in posting, but then I am not sure who is reading this at the moment.

First of all, I did not have swine flu.  It was just a tummy bug which I shared with the family.  They were not appreciative.  Do not know why though.  My balls ache from my snip, but otherwise, I am well.

The weekend was spent being ill.  But today, I have had time with the kids again.  We took them to the park, which they loved, as well as shopping.  It is magical watching them laugh.  That and watching them play together.  My daughter went through a patch of being naughty today, but she is so good normally, a naughty patch for her is nothing really too bad.  And of course, I get to spend time with my wife whom I also love and miss. Anyway, take care, and I hope you like the joke...   

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."

No more kids

Evening all. I am back at my parents-in-law.  And I hurt.  I have now had my vasectomy and have to go on a weeks long fast from intercourse.  How I am going to last that long is beyond me!

On the bright side, I am with my wife again, having spent the last few nights alone.  And even better, I have seen my children.  My son was asleep when I arrived, but my daughter was awake.  She saw me sitting on the sofa and jumped onto my lap.  Did I mention my operation?

It is great seeing them, even though me son slept through me putting him in his cot.  My daughter wanted me to read her a story, which I love to do normally, and now, after not seeing her since Sunday how could I refuse.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the joke.  Maybe I need to post this as a mature blog...

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land far far away (a saloon in the Wild West), the town idiot enters and screams, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!” A commotion starts and Joe, a lone traveller, looks on in amazement. The bartender is about to rush off, but Joe stops him with a cocky attitude. “You! What the hell is going on?” “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!"

“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink. Nothing happens for ten minutes. All of a sudden, someone kicks the doors off their hinges. A huge man is blocking out the sunlight. He wears black leather gloves with mettle mesh wrapped round them, his arms are thicker than a woman’s waist and his face is the scariest thing Joe’s ever seen in his life.

“Blow me!” screams the man as he flops out his foot-long flaccid man-piece. Terrified, Joe obeys. After a minute, the man commands, “Faster!” Joe obeys. “Faster, you sissy!” he thunders. Miffed, Joe plucks up the courage to speak. “What’s with all this? Why so fast?” he snaps. “Did you not hear?” replies the giant nervously, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!” 

A meal out

Morning all.

Or rather evening.  Hic.  I am a bit drunk.

Drove down after finishing at work at 2000 yesterday.  Listened to Any Questions on the way down.  And once again, was woken up (after going to sleep around midnight after watching Jonathan Ross) at 0600.

We went out to look at some furniture for our extension, when it gets finished...  And afterwards, we met up with an old friend.  Well, an old mate of my wife, but someone who I met on the net.  Strange that.  Anyway, went out for a meal with the kids though as I was driving, no drinks for me.  But it was nice to meet up.  My daughter had met him before, but unfortunately we have not met up in over a year (probably two) even though we have kept in touch by phone and e-mail.  Meeting up face to face was great, and the kids both loved him, and also loved his place where we went afterwards.

Spending time with my family is amazing, even though that does involve changing nappies again.  And boy poo does smell worse than girl poo. 

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. 

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will give you the best blow job you have ever had. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?" 


The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be none for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out 
"London."

"Brilliant Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

For fifteen minutes he had the best blow job he had ever had and as he came Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

Evening.  Once again, I am at home alone.  I spent yesterday with my kids.  And once again I loved it.  Until our kitchen is built, my family will be at my wife's parents.  So I am home alone.  

On the bright side, I get to watch Torchwood and have watched Dollhouse.  But I would much rather have my wife and children at home with me.  Especially with this episode of Torchwood, which is about kids.  

I got there after ten, ate and watched the Michael Jackson tribute.  And then went to bed, late.  Come the morning, I was awoken.  Those 'little darlings' woke up at around six.  Which means, that I got less than six hours sleep.  Not bad really, but I have been sleep deprived and gradually have been worn down.  Sad sap that I am, I have not slept well without my wife in bed with me or my kids under our roof.  But although I was exhausted, spending time with them is so precious.  Especially now when I do not even get to read them a bed time story.  My wife and I took them to a soft play area which they both loved.  Not as clean as the ones they are used to near where we live.  But while I may have had reservations, they did not.  And to be fair, what is a bit of dirt really?  Anyway, time spent like that is one thing they love.

As for the picture?  Well, as some of you are aware, I am an addict on Yahoo Answers.  The link shows that I have spent too much time on it!  Take care all.   

Here are some Churchisms if you want a laugh.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

My weekend of vomit

Evening all.  I am at home alone, watching Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire.  My hair is clean of the vomit from Saturday, and I have used my shower and smell nice!  For those who have not watched the show, I like it.  

Yesterday was sad having to leave the family at my wife's parents.  I did spend some quality time with the kids though.  My son was playing with a tea set and made himself sick on my wife's parents sofa by sticking a spoon in his mouth when pretend playing!  Anyway, time to go to bed in a moment.  Good night all and take care.

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.

A day out with the kids

Evening all.  This is to be my first post on this blog.  I did have a blog on Yahoo 360, but Yahoo have decided to get rid of it.  I moved it to my Yahoo Profile page, but I am not too sure I like the blog format that they have there.  So, I have decided that the easiest thing to do is start a new one here.  I was able to move my posts from 360 to the profile page, so there is going to be an archive of the posts I have made in the past.  I did try to import the blog here, but that did not work, and I did consider posting each blog entry here individually, but that would take too long with over 100 entries on the other site!

It is a shame that the 360 site is closing as there was so many good things about it.  But I guess all good things must come to an end.

Anyway, I have not been posting on my blog much of late, so here is an update.

Our house is having building work done.  It has been going on for a few weeks, and now, the kitchen is being expanded.  Which means that we have no kitchen.  With two children, that is not good.  I am staying at home on most days, but on the other ones, I am commuting down to stay with the rest of the family who are staying at my wife's parents.  And yes, it is tiring.

Today, we took the kids to Epping Forest.  Had an icecream (a Mr Whippy) and then went for a walk.  Unfortunately, my daughter got scared.  And she screamed and screamed.  I placated her by putting her up on my shoulders.  And I thought it worked.  Till she vomitted over me!  Needless to say, that ended our walk.  We are going to have to get her over her fear of forests especially as it is lovely to go there.  Later, when she was much calmer, she said she was worried that we would get lost.       

Blow Job Etiquette - A Lesson From Women To Men

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your penis?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” - get it through your head - I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls - if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Paracetamol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”



Blow Job Etiquette From A Male Viewpoint

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?