My girlfriend says I am no good with money. She won't be saying that when my 10,000-1 bet on Blackpool to win the prem comes in!

Evening all.
It has been an interesting time since I last posted.

I went out for a drink and managed to annoy those I went out drinking with.  I have a tendency to rant when drunk.  I have been noted on one occasion to annoy some Daily Mail readers, which was not a problem other than I had to apologise to the hosts of the meal we had gone to due to the nature of my comments.  Annoying right wing bigots when drunk, fine.  Annoying friends, not good.

Work has been better.  I am getting used to the new computer system, and also I think that I am getting used to the increased workload.  It is strange working somewhere where everyone tries to support each other, as opposed to working somewhere were certain senior people seemed to be trying to find new and interesting ways not to work.

Anyway, the kids.  They have been fine.  They went to watch Toy Story 3 this week. I did not get to go, being at work.  My wife took them with her mother.  It was the first time my son got to watch a film at the cinema, not so with my daughter who has already watched Up.  Apparently, his tendency to scream "Scary" did not seem to annoy other people there, but served to amuse. I hope!
They have also been raspberry picking.  It was meant to be strawberry picking, but they are no longer in season.  My daughter loves raspberries.  My son thought it would be great, until he tasted them.  He forgot that he does not like them!  Sneaky git today decided to tell me that his sister did a poo in his nappy.  When I asked him what she would say if I asked her, he, the two year old went "Shhh!"  Needless to say, I do not think that my daughter did a poo in his nappy and them put it on him.

I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic."

Thank god I only drink every night.

Wouldn't it be ironic if you died in the living room?

Afternoon all.  I am moonlighting to get some extra dosh to cover the crash of my pay cut.
But, I got to spend the morning with the kids.  Last night, I went out for a drink with two friends.  I suspect that I may have said things that I should not though!  Anyway, on getting back, I passed out and woke up, wimp that I am when it comes to booze, a bit worse for wear.  Now to be fair, it was self inflicted.  And the kids, who normally sense weakness on my part, and exploit it to the full we actually nice.  Not just to me, but too each other.  I would like to think that it was down to me not resorting to a default position of yelling at them, but rather encouraging them.  But I suspect it was luck, and the fact that at heart, they are both nice kids.

I also took them out for a walk.  It had been raining, and so I got them in wellies, so that they could jump in puddles.  And the moron that I am, I forgot to put my sons jeans inside the wellies!  But to be fair, my daughter, who was wearing leggings, had hers soaked with all the water they both jumped in.  

My wife was concerned that my son might be colour blind.  Today I was able to prove her wrong!  Through the use of M&M's I was able to feed him them, everytime he got one of the colours right.  It is amazing how quickly he learns when food is put in front of him!


Anyway, time to go.  And if you are interested in a proper blog on bringing up kids, try this link.  I liked it!

I was thinking of writing a book 'A guide to better shoplifting'....but who the hell is going to buy it?

Evening all.  Just thought that I would post an update.  Had breakfast with the family today, and then went to work!



While I was at work, they went to the beach.  And my wife had to go into the sea with them!   Muhahahaha!  Got back from work to find my kids still loving the fact that they had been to the beach.  My son is learning more and more when it comes to speaking and asked be to blow some bubbles with him in the garden.  And I found it very hard to say no to him.

Work is still great.  Stressful getting used to a new system.  But the thing is, that they want to work to high standards.  And if there are queries, they let you know (as I found out today when there was a slight concern over me and the work that was building up) and are more than willing to support others.  And yes, I have made the right decision.  Even though it is only a week that I have been there.

Anyway,time for that joke...

The other day the wife said to me "Its obvious women are smarter than men. Think about it! Diamonds are a girls best friend; mans best friend is a dog." to which i replied "lets see a diamond rescue you when your drowning". That wiped the smug look off her face.   

Why can't you hear a dog whistle? Because they can't whistle.

Evening all.

I love my new job.  It is not perfect, but it is great.  Though to be fair, I have not even worked there a week, and I am having to adapt.  They use a completely different computer system at my new job and that is taking me time to get used to.  And of course, I will have to get used to that 30% pay cut!

Anyway, the kids.  My daughter had her uniform bought today.  As she is so slim, special trousers had to be bought.  By special, I mean more expensive.  My son in the meantime is speaking so much more.  Every day, I hear something new.  Anyway, time to go.  I hope you like the jokes...


Dear Twilight fans,

Thank you for making us look sane and fit back into everyday society.

Yours sincerely, Trekkies.

Was at a womens golf tournament recently and was thrown out

Apparently they dont take kindly to anyone shouting

"You've picked up the wrong iron"

how do you know if the police are on your estate? All the toilets flush at once.

Evening all. The end of a long day. My mother-in-law has come back from holiday and tomorrow morning the kids get taken to my mother at 0830!

So good night and enjoy the joke.

I am ugly and I haven't had a sex in years.

My friend suggested that I went to a night club and used Rohypnol.

So I did it last night, and I can't remember a thing.    

These wind farms you see everywhere are ridiculous. As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans.

Evening again.  

I just remembered what one of the people at my work told me to post on my blog.

And this video, is for you.  And until today, it was for me as well.

Going back to the kids, they have had a play date today.  Or rather, my daughter did.  She had two friends come round, and of course, my son got to play with them as well.

By the time the two of them came to my work, they were still full of energy.  And on coming into the room that until today, I used, they loved it.  Balloons, lots of them.  Which of course, they took home.  The balloons were from the girls at work.  Along with the blow up doll, the chocolates and the genuine comments they gave me.  I will miss them.

Sorry to rant again! 

Have another joke which I hope make you laugh...

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.' With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, Gritted his teeth and said,'Fuck You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Welsh Definition of Safe Sex: Marking up the sheep that kick.

Evening all.

I am free!

And of course, until Monday, I an unemployed.

But the sense of liberation is overwhelming.

I am lucky to have a great family.  They came up to help me clear my room.  When at work, the girls there got me more stuff.  After lunch, in my room there was a Phillipa Hole to be seen.  I entered my room to find it strewn with cards rating me out of ten, sexy knickers, and the patient on the bed.  A blow up doll, with tasty chocolates in certain holes!

While I do not think that the doctors there fully appreciated me, it is nice to know that everyone else did.  And it makes me sad to leave them.  Really sad.

But, I am free! 


Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.