The Clone Wars

Again it has been good to spend the day with my children.  Once again, I am now at home.  

Come the morning, after being woken up by both of them, I took them downstairs and let my daughter watch Clone Wars.  She loved it.  My son loved spending time with me as well.  Taking him to the shops, he sat on my shoulders, walked about with me and looked for attention as always!  I can not wait until he is old enough to watch the films.  Mind you, I can not wait until my family are back at home with me!

I hope you like the joke...  

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

"Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed."

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't have any legs." 

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Health links

I just thought that I would post this to help me on Yahoo answers when answering questions about healthcare.  The facts connect you to links about them.  Feel free to e-mail me on Yahoo answers if you have a query about them, or if you feel that they are wrong.    
FACT - Insurance companies in the USA admit to pushing up prices, buying politicians and not paying out claims when they should
FACT - PER PERSON the USA spends more on healthcare than any other nation on the planet
FACT - Obama debated his plans before the election for healthcare
FACT - the chance of a child under five of dying in the USA is greater than industrialised nations with universal healthcoverage
FACT - Obama was elected by the American people to bring in change
FACT - Obama wants to stop insurance companies from screwing the American people
FACT - The reforms Obama wants work in the Netherlands and in Switzerland
Sorry of this causes offence to some.  That is not the intent and I am always open to debate.

Darth Vader is naughty

Evening all.  I was at work today when I was phoned by my wife.  I thought something serious had happened.  It had.

My daughter was playing star wars with my son.  She was Princess Leia, he, seventeen months tomorrow was Luke Skywalker.  My wife was Harriet Solo, my mother-in-law Obi-Wan Kenobi and she decided that my father-in-law was to be the Emperor.  I have just watched the last episode of Dollhouse with my wife.  And tomorrow, I get to spend time with my children!!!  Until I have to go back home for work on Thursday.   Anyway, I will try to post about tomorrow sometime.  Hope you like the joke...

Five surgeons at a Conference meet in a bar at the end of the day's proceedings. As the evening wears on and the drinks keep circulating, the talk becomes less technical. Finally, 



'I like to see Accountants on my operating table,' the first surgeon is straight-faced. 'When you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'



The second surgeon thinks he can top that. 'You should try electricians; everything inside them is colour coded.'



The third surgeon enters into the swing of the thing. 'No, librarians are best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order..



The fourth surgeon offers his opinion. 'Well, I prefer furniture assembly people; they are never fazed when you have a few parts left over.'



The fifth surgeon thinks for a moment, then, 'I'll choose politicians any day. You open them up and there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head and the arse are interchangeable.'

My legs hurt Daddy

Evening.  The kids are in bed and I too am about to call it a night.  I took them to London Zoo today.  My wife is away with two friends on a spa weekend.  Our house was meant to be finished by now.  It is not.  Well, not finished, but habitable again.  And with no kitchen and two small kids, it effectively is not habitable for the family.  So the Spa weekend was arranged back home, and now, I have the kids at her parents!  So I took them out.  Getting to the zoo took longer than I expected.  My son had fallen asleep by the time I pulled into the car park, but my daughter was too excited to sleep.

And they loved it.  Being only sixteen months, my son may not have appreciated it as much as my daughter did, but he did like being there.  She loved it and did not want to leave at the end.  But she had seen almost everything that a three year old girl would be interested in.  Initially she did not want to see the snakes and the insect house, but she changed her mind and was really brave!  It did involve a lot of walking and when we finished and got to the car, she told me that her legs hurt.  We had not even left Regents Park and she was asleep when I was driving away.  She was a bit annoyed that there were no elephants.  There are elephants at Colchester Zoo and she has been there a few times.     I told her that if I was horrible to her today, that she could throw me into the Lions cage.  By the fact that I am typing this, she did not!

Anyway, good night and I hope you like this joke...

Scientists suggest that drinking beer makes men act like women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed seven pints of beer each. 

Within a one hour period it was then observed that 100% of the men 

1. Talked excessively without making sense.

2. Became overly emotional.

3. Couldn't drive. 

4. Failed to think rationally. 

5 Argued over nothing.

6. Refused to apologise when they were wrong.

Attack of the clones

Evening all. I hope you all are well.

Before I go to sleep, I thought I would post about what I did with my kids on Wednesday.  I spent some time with my daughter brainwashing her into loving Star Wars by getting her to watch Attack of the Clones.  She loved it.  I guess I only have a limited amount of time to get her to like things before she goes to school and starts to like what friends like.  Peer pressure eh?

As for my son, well, he has his own sense of humour.  He is able to understand us.  If we tell him we want to change his nappy, he will toddle away from us as fast as he can go!

And on that topic...

What's the difference between perverted and sick?

Perverted is when you shit on the wife's stomach during a tit wank.

Sick is when you write "I love you" in it with your finger.

The Phantom Menace

Afternoon all.  Hope you are all well.  That is if anyone reads this!  First of all, I thought I would post a picture of where I am on the Yahoo Answers leaderboard.  Yes, I am addicted.  No, I am not seeking treatment.  Yes I probably should.

Anyway, back to the real reason I am posting here.  My family.  Still they are down at the parents-in-law.  Which means that I only get to see them on weekends and Wednesday's.  But it will not be for long.  God willing.  Once the kitchen is completed, they will be moving back.  But I am not too sure it will be completed by the end of the month.  

This means that today, I will be driving back to Colchester and will drive back down late on Tuesday evening.  As I get in so late, all I do is kiss my kids while they are asleep and spend an hour or so with my wife.  If we are lucky, we get to watch Dollshouse together.  Sometimes, when I kiss my daughter good night, she wakes up to say that she loves me.  I need to treasure these moments as I doubt I will have them in ten years time as both will be hormonal wrecks!  

My son is asleep next to me right now.  We have taken them to a local park where they had loads of fun.  He misses me.  I know this as he screams if I leave him.  Thankfully, not all the time, but my daughter at his age did not really miss me if I was not about.  I have spent the time this weekend converting my daughter to the joys of Star Wars.  I have managed to get her to watch the original three films, but as my copy of the Phantom Menace is in storage, we have had to watch it on You Tube.  I must get her to like Science Fiction before she goes to school and is subject to peer pressure not to like it! 

Anyway, time for that joke.  I hope it makes you laugh.  It did with me!  

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday. 

The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."

The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe. 










She fakes it with Ken."

Evening all.  Sorry for the delay in posting, but then I am not sure who is reading this at the moment.

First of all, I did not have swine flu.  It was just a tummy bug which I shared with the family.  They were not appreciative.  Do not know why though.  My balls ache from my snip, but otherwise, I am well.

The weekend was spent being ill.  But today, I have had time with the kids again.  We took them to the park, which they loved, as well as shopping.  It is magical watching them laugh.  That and watching them play together.  My daughter went through a patch of being naughty today, but she is so good normally, a naughty patch for her is nothing really too bad.  And of course, I get to spend time with my wife whom I also love and miss. Anyway, take care, and I hope you like the joke...   

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."