And on the first day of Christmas, my son did a poo...

Chelsea lose Anelka for festive matches

Afternoon all.  The family are sated after eating Christmas lunch.  My son however did not eat.  Unwell, he chucked up again this morning (over our bed) and later in the morning, did a poo worthy of the bog of eternal stench.  Now, time to post here for the Grandparents.

My daughter loved the day, however, she woke up twice during the night, the second time waking up her brother, before 0500!  Neither went to sleep, which meant that my wife and I did not get any sleep even when we put them in our bed.  After breakfast, and the second bath for my son in a day (the first after his vomit, the second after a poo which went down his leg), they got to start opening the presents.  The kids loved what they got.  My daughter got sparkling nail varnish from Father Christmas and has been using the doctors bag she got on Little Miss Sunshine.

Anyway, time to post on my role playing groups, and if possible, Yahoo Answers.  I got loads of best answers there, which means that someone must have voted for loads of my answers.  If you are reading this, thanks!

Anyway, time to go.  I hope you like this joke...

I went to buy a cat today.

The guy in the shop said "Would you like a tabby or a siamese?"

I said "I'm not really bothered. It's for my python"

One more sleep till Christmas

FA charge Arsenal and Hull over spat

The presents are wrapped. The kids are in bed, and I am looking forwards to seeing what they are like tomorrow!

It is late now, so good night and Merry Christmas everyone!

The exorcist child

Arsenal 3-0 Hull

An interesting game.  Nasri was out of order for stepping deliberately on the foot of another player.  And Hull were very fortunate to get a penalty which was not one.  But we won.  Which makes a change after drawing against Burnley.  If we are to win the title, we must capitalise when the teams ahead of us slip up.

Anyway, the kids.  They are loving the time now.  In case you are not aware, it is snowing here.  I was snowed in on Friday and was not able to make it to work.  The kids loved the weather.  Well they did at first!  But then the cold got to them.  Since then, we and they have learned.  My daughter loves throwing snow balls at me, and my son loves to taste snow as it drifts down onto his open mouth.  

Last night, I got home, kissed my daughter good night, then picked up my son to give him a kiss.  As I put him down, he coughed, and then vomited.  And then continued to do so.  Over the bedroom wall, the bathroom...  Boy did I wish I had just left him alone.  Took him a while to get him to bed afterwards and the vomiting continued for a while.  He would get better, then chuck up again.  Anyway, today, he has had one very foul nappy.  One of his worst, if not the worst he has ever done.  And he has been off his food, which considering he is a human dustbin, is very unusual for him!  But, despite that, he is well in himself, still attacking his sister etc!

Anyway, I hope this makes you laugh...

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom had just started school.
A teacher commented to the boy that she couldn't believe he was already in Year One and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels, I think." he replied...

An unnamed Premier League manager has been seen visiting a property used as a brothel.

Well Mark Hughes is in the clear then.

I bought a train ticket the other day and in the corner it read 'STD' How did they know?

Wenger refuses to rule out Sol swoop

Good morning all.  I am downstairs with the kids.  As I start to type this, they are watching Charlie and Lola.  And they are only getting in each others way on occasion.  If one sits somewhere, the other wants to sit there.  If one wants to play with something, the other wants to play with it.  Keep them apart, and they miss the other though.  Though, of course, once I type this, they have decided to give each other space.  My daughter is watching Ooglies and my son is wondering about playing on the cooker (do not worry Mum, it is a toy one) or doing other things.  This week they have been greeting me at the door, though when I come through the door, they do remind me of the Squeeze toy aliens from Toy Story.  Amusing though.

We had guests round last night.  Miranda and Francis with Barbara and Chris for a meal.  It was great having them round.  Drinks, and of course, the great food that my wife makes.  Anyway, drinks, up late last night.  And so, my wife is getting much needed sleep upstairs.  Which is why I, sleep deprived, am awake.  (They wake at 0600 without fail.)

I will of course try to watch the Arsenal match at Anfield on television.  With our recent results, I am not too hopeful of a result in this game.  Especially as Liverpool have had loads of set backs and really have something to prove.   

Anyway, I hope this makes you laugh...

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Another run out for the teenagers

Aquilani to make bow in dead rubber

I was feeling really ill yesterday.  My son was not too well then either.  He, like me is not 100%, but is getting better.  Snotty nose and all that.  So yesterday I was in bed practically all day.  My son had to get some kip he not being too well on the weekend, but getting worse on Monday night.  My daughter was quite concerned, asking me if I was going to go to heaven and asking my wife if I was ever going to get out of bed!  But she was quite kind and told me a story.  

Unfortunately, that meant time off work, but trust me, I would rather have gone into work than felt as ill as I did!  On the bright side, I did get to watch a video on YouTube that I have been meaning to watch for ages.  

Anyway, I took my kids out for a walk to get the paper earlier.  My son is now with me playing on his toy laptop while I post this, and my daughter has gone out with my wife to the shops while we wait for the playhouse they are going to get for Christmas to be delivered.  

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

War. Gods way of teaching us geography.

Arsenal 2 Stoke 0

How we did not score more goals in that game is amazing.  No recognised centre forward.  And we won.  And we should have had many more goals.

Anyway.  Back to the kids.  My son on the weekend refused to eat grapes as my wife had not put them on the plate.  He got into a strop, as my wife had put them down on a table, looked at her, then put them on a plate.  And then started to eat them.

Anyway, did my night shift.  Come the morning, got some much needed sleep and woke up to my wife banging on the door as she tried to come in the house.  Apparently, her idiot husband had put the chain on!  Spent time playing with the kids.  My daughter watched Kindergarten Cop which was interesting.  More so as I can understand the effect kids have on you more now!  

I am sure there is more to type about, but I am knackered and want to go to sleep.  Good night, and enjoy the joke.

My girlfriend Alice is paying for me to get a tattoo of my ex-girlfriend's name removed from my arm as my Christmas present.

Fuck that, I'm getting her a deed poll, she's changing her name to Jodie.

Tiger Woods has achieved the impossible. He's made Golf interesting.

Wenger: No regrets over Hughes spat

Well, it has now been reported.  Not that many who watched the match will be surprised as the language was easily to make out thanks to lip reading.  And the professor himself has decided to talk about it, or rather not.  

Anyway, took the kids to Bluewater today.  My wife drove down first and I followed with the kids later after feeding them.  Which meant I got to spend the morning with them, feeding them and having a laugh with them as well.  Now, I am at her parents, trying to sleep as I am working over night tonight.  Well, I did fall asleep, but then my wife came in to check up on me, and now I can not get back to sleep!  Anyway, while there, she saw some Storm Troopers, some Clone Troopers, and Darth Maul.  Having managed to make her love Star Wars, she loved it, especially when she went into John Lewis and actually shook hands with Darth Vader himself!  And to make matters even better, she is now watching Return of the Jedi.  Which made things a bit of a problem when my mother phoned to talk to her from abroad as she wanted to watch the film.  Mum, if you are reading this, phone tomorrow at 1900 GMT and she will be ready to speak.

So I am reading up on the football, and the world cup draw.  

So, with North Korea being drawn in the same group as Portugal, is anyone else hoping that Kim Jong-il has Cristiano Ronaldo assassinated?