My father is dead.

My father died yesterday.

I got a message from the older of my two brothers early in the morning that he had got worse, had been admitted and that he could have visitors.  My father was not able to have them before and there had been issues finding a bed for him.  Speaking to my brother, I could tell how upset he was.  I drove down and collected my youngest brother, work were understanding and let me go.  When we got there, we had a chat before we took it in turns to be with him.  I sent my brothers away for food at first, and they came back when one of my cousins arrived.  She stayed with him for a bit and was kind enough to give my youngest brother a lift to my Mum’s house.  I sent my other brother to his hotel to get some sleep as he had not been able to sleep the night before due to rowdy guests in the room below him.

My father has understandably changed since I saw him last.  That was over ten years ago when I took my kids to see him without the consent of my wife.  He spent the time ignoring them and speaking to me.  He said a few racist things which would have affected my children as they are mixed race, but did not care about them being there (they were too young to understand what he was talking about).  He, or I suspect, my Step-Mother, did by a toy for my daughter, and as noted before I do regret not seeing her again.  On occasions, I had thought about taking the children back to see him, but as they got older, they would understand his hatred and bitterness when he spoke, so I did not.

Being with him, I talked to him about my children, skirting away from anything about them that would remind him of my mother.  I suspect he still blames her for the times that he beat the crap out of her and I did not want to go there.  My cousin had talked about how many men are not good husbands, but I do not know if she was aware of just how violent he was to me and how he was even worse to my mother.  So I talked about the few good memories I have of him, how he taught me how to cycle, my increasing love of it, how I taught my children how to ride bikes.  I talked about how my son goes to a STEM school and what it meant as he trained as an engineer and felt that the only important subjects to learn were science and maths.  I talked about my daughter being in a Grammar School and how both children appear to be interested in science.  And I talked to him about politics when I ran out of other things.

I am glad I was with him.  My brother was concerned that he was suffering, but seeing him, I knew from those who I have treated that he was dying and was doing so peacefully.  I did not understand why he has fluids and antibiotics being given as he looked close to death, but they were stopped.  A Tissue Viability nurse was going to check the bed sore he got at home (he refused all help except that from my stepmother which is why he got it) but when I pointed out that he was dying, agreed to leave him and asked me about when it came about (I have my brother to thank for those answers).

He had a fit before he died.  I did not recognise it at first, but it quickly became apparent he had one.  I know that this did not cause him any distress but for those who have not seen a fit, it can be quite alarming.  I let the nursing staff know so that they could give medications to stop it happening again, but his breathing slowed down after he fit.  I rang my brothers and his last breath was when I asked them to come.  The nurse came in very soon after to give him the medications to prevent another fit, but he had died peacefully by then.

I am glad I was with him.  His fit would have upset my other brothers as they would have been concerned that he has suffered before his death, but I know from my job that as alarming as it appeared, he was still peaceful.  Also, the older of my two brothers really needed his rest.

My mother was upset by his death.  She remembers the man she fell in love with, not the one who brutally beat her, and she feels guilty that she could not look after him.  My oldest brother is to arrange his funeral. My father was a staunch atheist and there is pressure from many relatives to have a religious service.  I am hopeful that his funeral will respect his views on God.