Dementia And The Living Years

My Stepmother died today.

I had not seen her in many years, not because of anything to do with her, but instead, because of my father.

After my parents divorced, I lost contact with my father.  He did not make contact with me, despite having contact with my brothers, and I was happy to not contact him either.  She was his third wife, the second leaving him soon after marriage because of the way he was.  I had taken the kids to see him and her, but it did not go well.  My wife was not keen on me taking them again, though if I had in the last few years, they could have got to know her and would have challenged him on his bigotry and intolerance.  Considering how that applied to their  other though, it may have been a good thing not to do so.

She had cared for my two younger brothers when they had gone, though my father also drove my youngest brother away as well.  She looked after him despite her failing health and was not able to care for him last week when we were on holiday.  He now has dementia and had to go into a home, the older of my two younger brothers keeping an eye on him despite being several hundred miles away.  He had to go into a home when her own health failed, but despite optimism that she would come out, she did not.

I wish I had spoken to her and thanked her for looking after him before she died.  My issues with my father should not have influenced how I acted to her.  But that is too late.

I have to decide now if I reconcile with my father.  Or try to.  He had not changed before his diagnosis of dementia according to my brother who was seeing him.  But, is he still the person who I do not want to see?  I owe him lots.  He taught me about maths, taught me how to cycle, and by being a violent and lazy father, taught me what not to do with my children.

I do not know what to do, but dementia is taking him away from the world and if I do want to make contact, I guess the sooner the better.