how do you know if the police are on your estate? All the toilets flush at once.

Evening all. The end of a long day. My mother-in-law has come back from holiday and tomorrow morning the kids get taken to my mother at 0830!

So good night and enjoy the joke.

I am ugly and I haven't had a sex in years.

My friend suggested that I went to a night club and used Rohypnol.

So I did it last night, and I can't remember a thing.    

These wind farms you see everywhere are ridiculous. As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans.

Evening again.  

I just remembered what one of the people at my work told me to post on my blog.

And this video, is for you.  And until today, it was for me as well.

Going back to the kids, they have had a play date today.  Or rather, my daughter did.  She had two friends come round, and of course, my son got to play with them as well.

By the time the two of them came to my work, they were still full of energy.  And on coming into the room that until today, I used, they loved it.  Balloons, lots of them.  Which of course, they took home.  The balloons were from the girls at work.  Along with the blow up doll, the chocolates and the genuine comments they gave me.  I will miss them.

Sorry to rant again! 

Have another joke which I hope make you laugh...

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.' With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, Gritted his teeth and said,'Fuck You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Welsh Definition of Safe Sex: Marking up the sheep that kick.

Evening all.

I am free!

And of course, until Monday, I an unemployed.

But the sense of liberation is overwhelming.

I am lucky to have a great family.  They came up to help me clear my room.  When at work, the girls there got me more stuff.  After lunch, in my room there was a Phillipa Hole to be seen.  I entered my room to find it strewn with cards rating me out of ten, sexy knickers, and the patient on the bed.  A blow up doll, with tasty chocolates in certain holes!

While I do not think that the doctors there fully appreciated me, it is nice to know that everyone else did.  And it makes me sad to leave them.  Really sad.

But, I am free! 


Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I have mixed emotions.  

I left work and packed up a lot of my things before I left.  I am still glad that I am leaving, but I am sad that I am leaving both patients and most the people I work with.  They keep saying that they will miss me, and I can not help but think that will be true.  I know it sounds big headed to say that.  But I know that I will miss them.  

Do not get me wrong, leaving is the right thing for me to do.  Both for me, and because my workplace will not change, for it as well.  But I have worked there for eight years and it is hard to do.  Even though I am told things will change, things do not.



Anyway, I guess that I had better go to bed soon.  

I hope you like the joke. 

A young man burst through the doors of the surgery and shook the doctor by the hand.
"Thank you doctor, thank you so much," he said. "you couldn't possibly imagine how how much I've benefited from your treatment."
The doctor looked puzzled. "But your not one of my patients," he said.
"That's right," replied the man, "but my mother-in-law was, and I've just come from her funeral!"

My hatred of Man Utd is a 90 minute thing. 16 times a day. 7 days a week.

One more day...



Tomorrow is my last day. Jo at work is planning something, and knowing her, it will be very memorable, for all the wrong reasons for me!




Today my son woke up at 0520.  He did that yesterday as well.  I have not been sleeping well in the last few nights so having to wake up extra early because of him is not that appreciated.  Mind you, on Monday when he said (for the first time) "Daddy come into my room" I was a lot more understanding.  He is learning new things with speech every day.

And his sister, not learning as fast, mind you, she is four, but she is picking up loads.  She does like to pretend that she is blonde though.  Not that she pretends ot have yellow hair, but she is very good at coming across as knowing less than she actually does! 







Breaking News

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of
beer

and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to
apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

If you get arrested for stealing hay, do you automatically get bail?

Two days left! I feel guilty about leaving the patients whom I have built up a relationship with. And as noted on other days, most the staff at work. But that is it! On Monday, I start work much close to home in a workplace that appears that it will value and support me more. Even if or does not, at least I will be closer to home.



So today, I did some agency work to get some cash before my pay cut.  And on getting home, I got to pick up the kids from nursery.  Normally they go on a Monday, and this week they did.  Due to Bank Holidays, they have 'extra' days.  And today was one.  I went to work, they went to nursery.  And on being picked up, I was there!  The hug I got from my son! He has never hugged me as hard as he did.  My daughter loved seeing me as well.  And afterwards, I got to take them to the shops to get the paper and of course, some sweeties for them and a lottery ticket.  I used to win £10 every other week before I went out with my wife.  But since winning the lottery of love, I have only won once, that was four numbers on a midweek draw when I got around £40.  But I would rather be with my wife than have several million pounds.




And back to the topic of moving on.  Five days, and I start my new job!

 

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Evening all.  
Three days to go.






The kids today went bowling.  My wife took them with Barbara and her kids, Lizzie and Henry.  Before then, they had a play date which resulted in them getting rained on.  Apparently, the kids loved it.  My son came first with 109, my daughter second with 92.  I must make a mental note not to go bowling with them!  Anyway, I have to go.  I have work to go to tomorrow. 




A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "George!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "George Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to George Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not George Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "You got that right!. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But George Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But George, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to George Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met George. He died. I'm married to his fucking' widow."

A paper cut is the tree's last revenge!

Four days to go!

And boy, am I looking forward to leaving.  Just in case you have not worked that out that is.


Today it has been a good day at work.  I do like the staff here and when it comes to them working as a team, I guess they do the best they can and do work as one.  I will miss working with them, and I do hope that all goes well for them once I leave.  But I can not stay just because of them.

On getting back from work the kids were waiting for me at the door.  It is a sort of mixed blessing having them there.  I love the fact that they wait for me.  But at times, in fact most of the time, I just want to rest.  But one day they will not be waiting, and so I have to enjoy the time I have with them as much as I can.  

And treasure it.

I had been advised to take my car for a regular service by the salesman, but I cant get the thing through the narrow doors at my church!

Five days to go!



And counting of course. 

I was working last night, and had some training at my new workplace today.  Clair and Sarah came over and played with the kids, the two of them loving the attention, as always!  And my wife made a great meal.  There are times that my stomach is no where near big enough to eat the food she makes, and it is so sad considering what a great cook she is.

Anyway, although it rained earlier on today, we were able to sit out in the garden.  The sun shone at times, it was nice and warm, and the kids loved playing in the garden.  Which meant that I managed to get some time to relax, something that I am not going to have much chance to do next month.  Due to the pay cut to move to my new job, I am having to do agency work, which means that I have to jealously protect any time I get to relax.  And also treasure all time I get with the family. 

And I hope you like the joke... 

Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company."
Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."

My daughter said to me the other day that she wants to be like Lady Gaga when shes older. I hope she meant she wants to be a popstar, and not some cross-dressing bloke...

Afternoon all.

Six days to go!



Anyway, while I post this, my son is wearing his sisters swimming costume.   I have taken the obligatory picture to blackmail him with when he is older.

And on that topic, I hope you like this joke...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to comit suicide," she says. "Well before you jump give me a blow job," the truckie says. So she does. After she's finished the truckie says "WOW, that's a wasted talent, why are you comitting suicide?" "Cause my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl" 

I cooked a meal for my wife on our anniversary and she told me it was awful. I even gave her three slices of gravy.

Evening all!  Seven days to go!



Today, I was abandoned by the partners at work.  If they wanted to make me even happier that I am leaving, they picked a great way to do it.  I will miss everyone else where I work.  Well, most of everyone else.  But, seven days and I am free!



The kids today went round to a friend of ours with my wife today.  And they had a great time there.  Played with kids, and when I came back from work, they were still full of energy.  And they loved giving me hugs.  Though to be fair, they were about to crash, and on reading them their stories, my son started to fall asleep and my daughter asked if I could end the story early.

Anyway, take care all, and I hope you like this thought...



One person believing there's an invisible man in the sky- He's crazy


A hundred people believing in an invisible man in the sky- Cult


Millions of people believing in many invisible men in the sky- Religion
   

So Muralitharan has taken 800 test wickets, isn't it about time they stop testing him and let him play a real match?

Evening all.  Just to continue my countdown, eight days to go!



Got back from a day at work (could have been worse) to find my kids jumping up and down and full of energy.  Today, my daughter had a play date.  Two girls came round to play with her.  While here, their mother looked at my son, and his winning smile and commented "Poor girlfriend" after seeing it!

Anyway, time for that joke...


The good news: My cat went though an entire cycle of the washing machine and managed to survive unharmed.

The bad news: I lost a £10 bet on it.

My cooking is amazing. Even the smoke alarm cheers me on!

Evening all.  

Nine days to go!

Right, I have read my last post and realise just how I have not stated how grateful I am for the presents I got from my work.  Not only that, but Lorna at my work gave me a few more on Tuesday.  I got home with balloons that she had used on a bag full of presents for me!  It was really touching that many at my work do appreciate the effort I have put in and value it.  The partners at my work sort of appreciate my workrate, but they will really do so when I leave!  Yes, it does involve a pay cut to leave, but at least I will be working closer to home, and hopefully, in a much better working environment.

Anyway, back to the family.  Today we went to Walton.  That of course being Walton-on-the-Naze.  My wife has been there before, as have the kids, going there on a trip with my daughters pre-school.  And I have driven through there in the past.  But it has a great beach, as I found out today.  My daughter and son loved it.  My son was a bit wary about the sea, my daughter on the other hand, it was hard to keep her out of it.  Note to self, next time, take swimming trunks, as the shorts I wore there were soaked at the end of the trip!
Once again, I was put to making a sandcastle, which they loved jumping on and trying to destroy!

Anyway, all in all, a great day.

Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

First of all, ten days to go!

I had a leaving do on Friday. It was a bit strange as I do not leave for another ten days. But the partners were all there, something that will not be the case in the next ten days as due to the summer holidays, they will be taking it in turns to be away. And it was nice. I am going to miss a lot of people there. Anyway, I am knackered. I hope someone likes and reads this joke!

I was chatting-up this young nurse when I asked, "Well, how do you like your eggs in the morning?"

"Unfertilised," she giggled.

Then she handed me the results of my sperm count.  

Lies and half truths about the NHS by the right in the USA

First of all, 15 days to go.

Second, the kids are well.  Driving my wife mad, but well.  Yesterday, she was tired, and they, sensing weakness, were full of energy.  So she took them to Go Bananas.  Which they loved.  Wednesday is normally my paper work day, but I had to go in and help out due to illness at work (others, not mine).  Which meant that I could not do the things with the kids that I would normally do to tire them out, such as take them for a walk to buy the Morning Star (while they get M&M's).  

Anyway, time to talk about why I am making this post.  As some of you know, I am active on Yahoo Answers.  I started to post there as I saw some outright lies, as well as half truths being told by members and supporters of the BNP.  Well one of the other things I noted, was the debate on healthcare in the USA.  I saw some terrible things being said about healthcare in the UK, and of course, working in the NHS, I could not let such things go without being challenged.

Well, now, there are a few posters who are regurgitating the same facts.  And to be fair, some are right, but loads are blatant distortions.  So this post is dedicated to pointing out the truth with these statements.




Question a doctor and lose your child - This article in the Times is one on child protection.  In the vast majority of cases, parents know better than doctors when it comes to their children.  I am a parent after all and we in the health professions respect that.  But there are cases there parents do not know.  And in cases, where a child is at risk of harm or abuse, then we as healthcare workers have to act in the best interests of the child.  The many cases where such actions help children is not reported in the news, but the very few stories where healthcare workers get it wrong, or where it makes good headlines do.

'Doctors told me it was against the rules to save my premature baby' - this article (in a paper known to have supported Hitler in the past) refers to a baby born at a gestation of 21 weeks and five days.  The youngest child to have survived was born at 21 weeks and six days, that being a very rare occurence.  Yes, there are guidelines by the UK that state that resuscitation should not be carried out on babies born before 22 weeks but the thing that makes it even more interesting, is that these posts made by Americans make no mention that in the USA, babies born before 23 weeks are considered non-viable!  

Daughter claims father wrongly placed on controversial NHS end of life scheme - This refers to a claim, not a fact and the Liverpool Care Pathway which it refers to is not controversial really.  Yes, like with all things, there are people who disagree with it, but then there are those who think that the earth is flat.  Is it controversial to say it is round, or that the sun is a ball of hydrogen within which nuclear fusion is taking place?  Some would say such statements are completely wrong!

NHS is paying millions to gag whistleblowers - I am not going to claim that some authorities do the best they can to hide things, but the NHS as a whole encourages people to speak up in order to help patient care.  Those from abroad forget that, or never bothered to listen when told otherwise.  Or never knew about it and did not find out more.


Patients forced to live in agony after NHS refuses to pay for painkilling injections - an interesting headline.  But if you look at the article, "A spokesman for NICE said its guidance did not recommend that injections were stopped for all patients, but only for those who had been in pain for less than a year, where the cause was not known."  Something that our American cousins seem to miss when they quote this on Yahoo! Answers.

People in the UK face longer waits for non-emergency surgery and struggle to see GPs out-of-hours compared with other western countries, a survey says -  again an interesting article, because in the comparisons, the US fails big time.  But the BBC link while it reports some of the findings in the Commonwealth Fund article, does not mention those that US posters fail to realise!  These of course refer to medical error rates and those who skip healthcare due to costs.  Click on the link above if you want more on that story!

Anyway, time for that joke...
In Norfolk, they are thinking of decreasing the VAT to 11%.







At least then they can work it out on their fingers.

A fascinating post

Today my son did his first wee in the toilet.

And I have 18 days to go!

A weekend with the family for a change

Today has been lovely. And yesterday was relaxing as well. And there are only nineteen days to go till I leave my job!

In case you are not in the UK, we have had a heatwave these past few days. And in order to let the kids make the most of this, we put out the paddling pools yesterday. One is fairly small and we stick a slide onto the side of it, which does make it unstable, but so far, they have yet to get it to fall over. So they climb up the ladder and slide down into the pool making a huge splash when they hit the water. We used it like this last week when we had friends round. And like last week, the other much bigger pool was used. Though not as full as it was last Sunday! During this time, which has been the first weekend (when we were not on holiday) in ages that I have not been working at least one day, my wife and I relaxed while doing a few things. She did a bit of gardening while I had to transfer all my contacts from my old mobile to my new one.

Come the end of the day, the kids were shattered, but we all relaxed. And then today we went to Mersea. Yesterday the kids had a pool, today the sea and loads of sand. I did refuse to make any castles but did take them on several trips to the water to fill up buckets for use on the beach where we sat and either watched them or the sea.

Anyway, they are in bed now. For those who are reading this from abroad, take care and I hope you like these posts.

Bristol Stool Chart

There is a chart that lists the types of poo you can do.

Just thought that I would post it for you all.



My wife just called me to say I don't spend enough time at home with the kids.

I said, "We've got kids?"

In Norfolk, they are thinking of decreasing the VAT to 11%. At least then they can work it out on their fingers.

The picture is a great reason to continue drinking eh? 

Evening all.  Had a good weekend.  Had to work on Saturday.  And Sunday took the kids to see my mother.  And in the afternoon, we had a few friends round.  They came with kids and they had loads of fun in the paddling pools and on the climbing frame ages ago.  Of course, it would have been better if I had got round to putting the trampoline up.  Mind you, that can be a theme for another get together.  A put the trampoline up afternoon...

Anyway, drinks, food and good company.  The afternoon was a great one.  With the kids relaxing, it was easy to sit back and relax, though of course, we had to get up and take it in turns to stop them killing each other.

Anyway, a song for my daughter when she has a look at this post. 
 

    


Health and safety has gone mad. According to my wife, Ikea now send people out to ensure the furniture is correctly assembled.

This is the fifth time I've come home this week to find a man in the cupboard I bought from them. And it's every time she tries to have a lie down, too. It's getting ridiculous

If you watch The Twilight Saga backward it's the same as it is forward... Crap

Morning all.  You would have thought that the kids who did not get to bed until late last night would have slept in this morning.  I should have been so lucky!  At 0600, our alarm clocks, i.e. the kids woke up.  Mind you, after not seeing them as much as I did on holiday, it is always nice to be around them.  Even if I am taking time to post on the blog.  At the moment, they are being nice to each other, and, possibly because they are a bit tired, they are sitting watching the television.  Or as my friend Tony calls it, the devil box!

As you can see, my last two posts have had pictures about the England game.  I thought that this one will be no different.

And well, this made me smile! 

Anyway, I have to mow the garden, and then I am off to work.  But I hope the video and the joke below make you laugh...




I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty git!" said the fairy.

If time heals all wounds, why hasn't my leg grown back?

Evening all.  I am home late.  Sorry about no pictures for those that get them.  My internet connection has been an issue on the desktop.  I will see if I get time to fix that tomorrow before I go to work.

Work has been busy for me and I have not had the chance to do everything I have wanted to do as when I have got home, I have been knackered.

And on that topic, twenty eight days to go!

Anyway, I got home today to find that the kids were still up.  My wife telephoned me as my son has taken to not going to bed unless I am at home.  And considering that I did not leave work till 2000 and it takes forty minutes to get home, you can imagine how tired they were.  Let alone me!  But they are adorable and I do love them loads.  My daughter had a day at school this week.  She was worried about it, but when it came to it, loved it.  My wife though, understandably was a bit emotional.  But then, like me, she is knackered which makes things worse.  But my daughter loved it at school.  She does not start till September, but this was a day to break her in gently.  Anyway, I hope you like the song below.  Me, I am going to sleep.

 




The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW.