Darth Vader is naughty

Evening all.  I was at work today when I was phoned by my wife.  I thought something serious had happened.  It had.

My daughter was playing star wars with my son.  She was Princess Leia, he, seventeen months tomorrow was Luke Skywalker.  My wife was Harriet Solo, my mother-in-law Obi-Wan Kenobi and she decided that my father-in-law was to be the Emperor.  I have just watched the last episode of Dollhouse with my wife.  And tomorrow, I get to spend time with my children!!!  Until I have to go back home for work on Thursday.   Anyway, I will try to post about tomorrow sometime.  Hope you like the joke...

Five surgeons at a Conference meet in a bar at the end of the day's proceedings. As the evening wears on and the drinks keep circulating, the talk becomes less technical. Finally, 



'I like to see Accountants on my operating table,' the first surgeon is straight-faced. 'When you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'



The second surgeon thinks he can top that. 'You should try electricians; everything inside them is colour coded.'



The third surgeon enters into the swing of the thing. 'No, librarians are best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order..



The fourth surgeon offers his opinion. 'Well, I prefer furniture assembly people; they are never fazed when you have a few parts left over.'



The fifth surgeon thinks for a moment, then, 'I'll choose politicians any day. You open them up and there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine and the head and the arse are interchangeable.'

My legs hurt Daddy

Evening.  The kids are in bed and I too am about to call it a night.  I took them to London Zoo today.  My wife is away with two friends on a spa weekend.  Our house was meant to be finished by now.  It is not.  Well, not finished, but habitable again.  And with no kitchen and two small kids, it effectively is not habitable for the family.  So the Spa weekend was arranged back home, and now, I have the kids at her parents!  So I took them out.  Getting to the zoo took longer than I expected.  My son had fallen asleep by the time I pulled into the car park, but my daughter was too excited to sleep.

And they loved it.  Being only sixteen months, my son may not have appreciated it as much as my daughter did, but he did like being there.  She loved it and did not want to leave at the end.  But she had seen almost everything that a three year old girl would be interested in.  Initially she did not want to see the snakes and the insect house, but she changed her mind and was really brave!  It did involve a lot of walking and when we finished and got to the car, she told me that her legs hurt.  We had not even left Regents Park and she was asleep when I was driving away.  She was a bit annoyed that there were no elephants.  There are elephants at Colchester Zoo and she has been there a few times.     I told her that if I was horrible to her today, that she could throw me into the Lions cage.  By the fact that I am typing this, she did not!

Anyway, good night and I hope you like this joke...

Scientists suggest that drinking beer makes men act like women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed seven pints of beer each. 

Within a one hour period it was then observed that 100% of the men 

1. Talked excessively without making sense.

2. Became overly emotional.

3. Couldn't drive. 

4. Failed to think rationally. 

5 Argued over nothing.

6. Refused to apologise when they were wrong.

Attack of the clones

Evening all. I hope you all are well.

Before I go to sleep, I thought I would post about what I did with my kids on Wednesday.  I spent some time with my daughter brainwashing her into loving Star Wars by getting her to watch Attack of the Clones.  She loved it.  I guess I only have a limited amount of time to get her to like things before she goes to school and starts to like what friends like.  Peer pressure eh?

As for my son, well, he has his own sense of humour.  He is able to understand us.  If we tell him we want to change his nappy, he will toddle away from us as fast as he can go!

And on that topic...

What's the difference between perverted and sick?

Perverted is when you shit on the wife's stomach during a tit wank.

Sick is when you write "I love you" in it with your finger.

The Phantom Menace

Afternoon all.  Hope you are all well.  That is if anyone reads this!  First of all, I thought I would post a picture of where I am on the Yahoo Answers leaderboard.  Yes, I am addicted.  No, I am not seeking treatment.  Yes I probably should.

Anyway, back to the real reason I am posting here.  My family.  Still they are down at the parents-in-law.  Which means that I only get to see them on weekends and Wednesday's.  But it will not be for long.  God willing.  Once the kitchen is completed, they will be moving back.  But I am not too sure it will be completed by the end of the month.  

This means that today, I will be driving back to Colchester and will drive back down late on Tuesday evening.  As I get in so late, all I do is kiss my kids while they are asleep and spend an hour or so with my wife.  If we are lucky, we get to watch Dollshouse together.  Sometimes, when I kiss my daughter good night, she wakes up to say that she loves me.  I need to treasure these moments as I doubt I will have them in ten years time as both will be hormonal wrecks!  

My son is asleep next to me right now.  We have taken them to a local park where they had loads of fun.  He misses me.  I know this as he screams if I leave him.  Thankfully, not all the time, but my daughter at his age did not really miss me if I was not about.  I have spent the time this weekend converting my daughter to the joys of Star Wars.  I have managed to get her to watch the original three films, but as my copy of the Phantom Menace is in storage, we have had to watch it on You Tube.  I must get her to like Science Fiction before she goes to school and is subject to peer pressure not to like it! 

Anyway, time for that joke.  I hope it makes you laugh.  It did with me!  

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday. 

The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."

The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe. 










She fakes it with Ken."

Evening all.  Sorry for the delay in posting, but then I am not sure who is reading this at the moment.

First of all, I did not have swine flu.  It was just a tummy bug which I shared with the family.  They were not appreciative.  Do not know why though.  My balls ache from my snip, but otherwise, I am well.

The weekend was spent being ill.  But today, I have had time with the kids again.  We took them to the park, which they loved, as well as shopping.  It is magical watching them laugh.  That and watching them play together.  My daughter went through a patch of being naughty today, but she is so good normally, a naughty patch for her is nothing really too bad.  And of course, I get to spend time with my wife whom I also love and miss. Anyway, take care, and I hope you like the joke...   

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."

No more kids

Evening all. I am back at my parents-in-law.  And I hurt.  I have now had my vasectomy and have to go on a weeks long fast from intercourse.  How I am going to last that long is beyond me!

On the bright side, I am with my wife again, having spent the last few nights alone.  And even better, I have seen my children.  My son was asleep when I arrived, but my daughter was awake.  She saw me sitting on the sofa and jumped onto my lap.  Did I mention my operation?

It is great seeing them, even though me son slept through me putting him in his cot.  My daughter wanted me to read her a story, which I love to do normally, and now, after not seeing her since Sunday how could I refuse.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the joke.  Maybe I need to post this as a mature blog...

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land far far away (a saloon in the Wild West), the town idiot enters and screams, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!” A commotion starts and Joe, a lone traveller, looks on in amazement. The bartender is about to rush off, but Joe stops him with a cocky attitude. “You! What the hell is going on?” “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!"

“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink. Nothing happens for ten minutes. All of a sudden, someone kicks the doors off their hinges. A huge man is blocking out the sunlight. He wears black leather gloves with mettle mesh wrapped round them, his arms are thicker than a woman’s waist and his face is the scariest thing Joe’s ever seen in his life.

“Blow me!” screams the man as he flops out his foot-long flaccid man-piece. Terrified, Joe obeys. After a minute, the man commands, “Faster!” Joe obeys. “Faster, you sissy!” he thunders. Miffed, Joe plucks up the courage to speak. “What’s with all this? Why so fast?” he snaps. “Did you not hear?” replies the giant nervously, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!” 

A meal out

Morning all.

Or rather evening.  Hic.  I am a bit drunk.

Drove down after finishing at work at 2000 yesterday.  Listened to Any Questions on the way down.  And once again, was woken up (after going to sleep around midnight after watching Jonathan Ross) at 0600.

We went out to look at some furniture for our extension, when it gets finished...  And afterwards, we met up with an old friend.  Well, an old mate of my wife, but someone who I met on the net.  Strange that.  Anyway, went out for a meal with the kids though as I was driving, no drinks for me.  But it was nice to meet up.  My daughter had met him before, but unfortunately we have not met up in over a year (probably two) even though we have kept in touch by phone and e-mail.  Meeting up face to face was great, and the kids both loved him, and also loved his place where we went afterwards.

Spending time with my family is amazing, even though that does involve changing nappies again.  And boy poo does smell worse than girl poo. 

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. 

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will give you the best blow job you have ever had. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?" 


The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be none for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out 
"London."

"Brilliant Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

For fifteen minutes he had the best blow job he had ever had and as he came Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."