England manager (to be) Harry Rednapp has announced that he thinks he can handle the Euros - as long as they are 'unmarked and untraceable'

Evening all.  Just realised, I forgot something about my son's card from his female admirer.  My wife was asking him if he was going to give anything in return back to her.  He searched, and using 'manvision' found a gift, and handed it to my wife.  It was his sisters sunglasses.  To be fair, the young girl would probably have liked it...




Despite rumours claiming John Terry will be completely dropped from the England squad, Terry remains adamant that he will be going to Poland this summer. If not with the England squad, then with his new Klan mates where they'll be taking in the sights at Auschwitz and Stutthof.

The FA have turned down Harry Redknapp for the England manager's job because of his wage demands.
They were fine with the 6 million pounds a year, they just couldn't find a brown envelope big enough to fit that many used fivers in. 

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark? Frost bite

Evening all.  It has been a cold and slippery time.  I have been tired since my late night drive home, but am getting my energy levels back.  And to think I was meant to be more relaxed after having a week off!

Well, the kids still seem to like the snow.  My daughter has taken part in snow ball fights at school, well so she says.  During break, none of the kids are allowed to throw snowballs, but she claims that she threw one in the morning before school.  If that was true or not...  The roads are starting to become less icy.  Note, this is not a moan, driving on ice is an experience, one that I know stresses many and while there are those who say that more should be done to clear the ice, most will not be willing to pay the increased taxes that would be needed to fund such actions.  (Sorry, slight political rant.)  The family casualty has been my wife who slipped on Monday walking back from school with my son after dropping my daughter off.  He moaned that she had hit him in the head, ignoring the pain that she was in on the floor as she was clutching at her sprained ankle. 

And on the topic of my son, he was given a card today.  From a girl with lots of kisses.  Her mother did not appear to be too pleased when I asked if it was a Valentines card!

Anyway, knackered, time to go.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed ...............................+1

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

You leave the toilet seat up....................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0

When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1

You go out to buy her extra-light pantie liners with wings...+5

in the snow.....................................+8

but return with beer............................-5

and no liners..................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5

You smash it with a cricket bat...................+10

It's her cat...................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0

You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub...-2

Called Tiffany......................-4

Who is a lap dancer................-10

With breast implants...............-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............................... 0

You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is

painted the colours of your favourite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a mate....................................... 0

The mate is happily married..........................+1

The mate is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a see a film..........................+2

You take her to a see a film she likes................+4

You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6

You take her to a see a film you like.................-2

It's called Death Cop III.............................-3

Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and

baggy shirts...-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your arse".........-100

Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50

You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying

"well, what do you think I should do?".........-100

You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk.........................................-100

You don't talk...................................-150

You spend time with her..........................-200

You don't spend time with her....................-500

You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder!

It snowed last night. I was working in Bury St Edmunds which is just under an hour away. Normally. I finished work at midnight and my one hour journey home took about two and a half hours. It was fun! Cars on ice in the dark. The dual carriageway was a single track. Though things could have been worse. Traffic coming the other way was stopped at the bottom of a hill where a lorry was not able to get up the snow and resulted in the traffic flow stopping, which was not good when that meant that the snow was laying down.

Anyway, the kids. They loved the snow.  In the morning, after getting up late, and having a late breakfast, I cleared the driveway with the snow shovel my wife bought earlier on in the year.  And yes, I thought she was insane for buying it, and yes, I was very glad that she did so.  While doing this, the kids came out and used me for target practice.  I sort of started it, and they continued to throw snow at me (and over the bits of the drive I had cleared).  I do have to remember that next year, not to be too accurate when throwing snowballs as while they had fun, they did not like it when I was a lot more accurate than them.  Saying that, when they are older, they will be getting me back.

On the brightside, Arsenal won. For once. I am not sure if we are going to be able to finish in the top four. And loads of Spurs fans at work are pointing this out to me. Mind you, they might not be laughing if Harry goes to jail... Anyway, time to go. Take care all, especially those who have to deal with the snow.

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

So he's free to lead his country into Poland.

Just like his hero did.

Any young players watching the United v Chelsea 3-3 game before should take alot of tips about building a relationship with you striking partner!

There was some fantasastic link up play between Rooney and Howard Webb.

Just put £100 on my 3 to go down:

Wigan, John Terry and Harry Redknapp.

There is one good thing about snow.
It makes my garden look as good as the neighbours'

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

Morning all. I can not sleep so thought that I would make a post. I see it has been a long time since my last post.

First of all, Arsenal. I am annoyed. Over Christmas we had three games in London. The best chance to make the most of the holiday season. We could have has to travel to the North East and then to Wales, but no, three games in London. Nine points for the taking. What happened instead? A draw, a win and a loss. Wolves and Fulham deserved the results they got as we did not play well enough. Something the team has to act on. The loss to Man Shitty in the league cup was annoying, but worse was to follow when we threw away a draw to lose at home to ManUre. Still, the team managed to come from behind in the FA cup this weekend against Villa. Hopefully, despite the possible loss of Jack for the season, we might be able to finish in the top four and win the FA cup.  And I for one still have faith in our manager.

Anyway, Christmas was great. I have to say that it was my best Christmas ever, as both kids are now old enough to enjoy it. My Mum came up on New Years Eve to babysit which allowed my wife and I to have a brilliant meal together in Wivenhoe. I had worked in the day though which meant that I was too tired to spend midnight there, so we came home, just in time to see 2012 in at home.

And of course, January is when my birthday is. And I am now 40! I had managed to convince my daughter that I was going to be four, but last year she worked out that I was 39 and keeps reminding me about my age. The kids woke me up on my birthday by jumping up and down on me early in the morning. (I remember once having lie-in's past 0700...) And this weekend we went to London to go out for a meal with my Mum and the younger of my two younger brothers. The other one was in Manchester and was not able to come down but I got to speak to him on the phone along with his flatmate who is a very good friend of ours. The kids loved the meal. It was great to see my Mum, and my brother who managed to end up in the wrong part of London at one point! I got loads of chocolate and now have a telescope! The kids can not wait to use it, though I have had to tell my daughter that we will not be able to see galaxies in the same way that the pictures are on the box.

Have to go now and I hope it will not be too long before I make my next post.



Middle-Aged Texting Codes:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!

Little Mix are the winners of the X-Factor 2011. Vladimir Putin has called for a recount, as he feels he should have won.

Evening all.  I am knackered.  Have been down to London, taking the kids to see my mother.  My Mum has a cat, and my wife is allergic to them.  She wheezes which is why my son has learned the phrase "Move out of the bloody way Louie" (a reference to a lovely cat that lives on our road).  There was a time when my mother did not have a cat and my wife could visit her, the previous cat passing away, but since then, she got another one...  Which means that for Christmas, we can not actually visit my mother, without my wife sitting in the car outside, which is not how she would like to spend Christmas day!  Speaking of which, I owe her lots.  Thanks to her, my family should be getting presents that they like.  I have tired to get her things, but in general, I tend to leave things till the last minute, and when I have tried to surprise her, she generally does not like what I get for her.  Which means that she has to give me a list of things that she might like, but more importantly, I have to remember what she tells me.

Anyway, a long drive down with loads of traffic.  But we were able to nip to East London to pick up a present, and then to pick up my mother, and take her out to TGI Fridays.  I have to say, I was very impressed with the service there.  The kids loved it, as they got balloons (only one survived the journey back) and my Mum loved the time spent with the kids.  Anyway, after dropping her back near where she lives (she needed to get something from the library) we drove of to do a little bit more shopping, food this time, and then back home.  While my wife got the provisions for the upcoming festive season, I too the kids to a merry go round and then afterwards, there was a ride which accomdated them both.  After that, fun on the M25 as we went home.

Still, on getting home, the kids got to speak to the older of my two brothers and thanks to modern technology, they got to see him as well as one of our long friends, David. The kids are looking forwards to the big day, my daughter is counting down the days, or rather the nights.

Anyway, good night all and take care.

And the winner of X Factor 2011 is............. Simon Cowell's wallet!

Evening all.  Quick post.  Still knackered after the way work was in the last week.  Hopefully, I will be back to somewhere near normal speed tomorrow or I am screwed!

I have had a mixed day with the kids today.  Because I was tired, I have to admit that I was a lot more snappish compared to how I usually am and my wife has had to deal with this effectively for a whole week.  But, she is amazing, and I am very lucky to have her.  I did get to have my daughter read to me.  I am certain that she play stupid with us.  Well, maybe not stupid, but I do think that she does not try as hard as she does at achool.  I am sure she has decided to not let us know just how clever she is.

Anyway, I have to go know, have to iron for tomorrow and clean up.

Good night all.

I'm not tired, I'm just trying to start a yawn trail

Evening all.  I am knackered.  I have had a very busy week.  Thursday was very busy, and I did not get home till eight in the evening.  Which meant that I did not get to put the kids to bed.  But while I was annoyed that I was not able to do so, I thought that would be fine as I would be able to put them to bed on Friday.  And while I thought that Thursday was busy, Friday was worse.  Which meant that I did not get to put the kids to bed either, and I did not get home until nine, and even then, I had to leave without finishing all my work.  Today, I went to a course, then actually got to spend time with the two kids.  Unfortunately, they were a bit tired, which meant that they were playing up a bit.  But after a bit of rest and lunch at Wahaca they calmed down.  Face painting later was something that they got to enjoy and I have to say it is great spending time with them when they get to do things like that.

Anyway, knackered, and I have the work Christmas party to go to tonight!