A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gun Wharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.
'You're not thinking of jumping, are you, babe?' he asked.
'Yes, I am' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.
'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what, I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'
The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied ....
.... 'He certainly is, love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'
Quick post. Kids are fine. Sitting on me right now watching Charlie and Lola. Of course, I will be going back to work, but spending even a little bit of time with them is amazing!
I will see if I can get time to post more later this weekend.
Now for the record, I think that Britain is great. I think that it can, and should be better. Working together, we can make it so. Listening to extremists leads to fear and hatred, which is what this nation does not need.
Which leads on to my next rant on them. The BNP state that those who are not 100% British should be encouraged to leave. An example of such a person is Cashley Cole. Now being an Arsenal fan, I am biased against him. But the BNP consider him to be not British in an ethnic sense and therefore is one of those who should be encouraged to leave. He has a white mother, which the BNP would consider English, and a Black father. The thing is, Prince Charles should come under the same view. He has a father who is considered Greek, or Danish, let alone the issue with his mother. But of course, this is nothing to do with racism, as the BNP state that they are not a racist political party.
Morning all. A quick post about the Arsenal game against Birmingham. Yes we were lucky to get away with a handball in the penalty area, but then we have had such decisions go against us an example being against Wigan, which would mean that we would have won the game and been level on points with ManUre. But then Bowyer was lucky to get away with assaulting Song in the game, well in the game he was. What happens afterwards will be interesting, and hopefully, he will be punished. Anyway, I have Wednesday to look forwards to and the game against Man $hi+y. And if you want a laugh, I hope you enjoy this...
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses. The results are pretty interesting:
10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man; they would have married him anyway.
Evening all. I have a moment at work to post a quick update on the kids. As my mother knows, I have started to use my mobile to allow her to make video calls to them before they go to bed. Having an iPhone 4, it can make such calls, which is great. They have loved seeing her on the telephone and of course, she has loved being able to see them most nights. Of course, now she is going abroad, it will be even better. I have to thank David, who had come to stay in December, who told me that I could do this. However (like the Guardian did), he said I could use Skype, which I could not at the time. So instead, I used Yahoo!Messenger. My brother set up an account for my Mum and since then, she has been able to see the kids. Of course, now she is going to be many many miles away, thanks to the time difference, she will only get a chance to see them on the weekend mornings that I am not going to be working! But seeing them on weekends when abroad will be better than not at all.
Spent last night with my wife, had a great time watching Jools Holland with her, and in the morning, the kids were understanding and allowed us to sleep, while they watched television in bed with us. Thank god for Cbeebies!
Anyway, back to work, and when I get home, I may even get to watch the highlights from the Arsenal match! Not that I expect them to win. Still, must not complain. We are still in the European Cup, at least till we play Barcelona.
And I hope you like this song. If not, there is something else that can make you laugh and I hope someone likes that.
Blondes on Marriage
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
Hello. I guess this is a great title considering the game result. A draw. Sad really, considering that we were two goals to one up. I have got all my swear words out. And the team knew that they had to focus. But never mind. I guess. Well I will mind, but I have my kids, who are far more important to me than Arsenal is. And of course my wife. Who also is more important than the football team.
And speaking of the family, my daughter is about the same as she was yesterday. Which is unwell, but still well enough to play about, though she gets tired easily. And in an attempt to stop my son from trying to kill us I took him out for a walk while my daughter was having a nap. He loved having quality time with me. Sad considering that I am going to work tomorrow. The kids have been playing with the Lego and Duplo that they got for Christmas. And of course, being kids, they have been as cheeky as they could get away with. My son of course being the one who is the most cheeky out of the two of them. Anyway, I have to go. Time to massage my wife's feet. Good night all.
Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and knowingly, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
Breaking the Seal: Your 1st visit to the loos in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her breasts simultaneously.
Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to sleep with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
First of all, the kids. My son has not been too well for the last few days. So today, he gave his illness to his sister (they love to share) and then got better. So we had an Ill daughter who was too unwell to go to a birthday party and a son who had regained his energy. This really came out later today. While his sister was knackered, he decided that he needed to wrestle. Normally he decides to take me on, I am after all the pretender to the throne of Alpha Male that his rightfully his. (He stays at home & looks after everyone while I sod off to work.). But today he decided to attack my wife. It might be that he has decided to like me more as I have been at home. It took some doing, but after a while I managed to get him to try to fight me instead. Of course, I have to lose at times.
And on that topic, it was kind of Chelski to lose last night. I did not think that would happen. I actually thought that we were going to be beaten again, though I also was aware that probability was on our side, not just the awful run of form that Chelski had, but that we were playing better, and that we deserved some luck in this fixture. Drogba loves playing against us. The git that he is, he ruined the Arsenal career of Senderos who, until a game against him was brilliant and afterwards, he lost load of confidence and never regained it while wearing an Arsenal shirt. But it was enjoyable to watch a game we both dominated and more importantly won. In the past we have been all over Chelski only for Drogba to score on a counter attack. Victory was sweet last night, though my wife was glad that the kids were asleep during the game as my language was a bit foul!
