What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Well, it is almost the weekend, and I am at home with my wife watching Spooks.  So far, she has not taken a golf club to me.  Have been back at work, and yes, I do like it.  I did manage to spend Wednesday with the kids.  And my wife.  (She is enjoying a banker being tortured right now by Ros who has lost the plot a bit.)

Anyway, an update on the kids.  My daughter has been to a birthday party where she sang.  My son has been to a baby gym (well, he is a toddler) and loved it.  Both happened yesterday.  Now, to bed.  Well, after Spooks... 

Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.

It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.

First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?

A shame the article missed the swear words...

Manchester City 3-0 Arsenal / Sport / Home - Morning Star

Oh well, we lost.  But the newspaper reports are biased.  They seem to forget the language Mark Hughes was using.  I am not sure I would shake hands with a man who spent the 90 minutes swearing loads about my team...

Adebayor prepares to meet old foes / Sport / Home - Morning Star

Adebayor prepares to meet old foes / Sport / Home - Morning Star

I am concerned.  Are we going to win.  Shitty are a good side.  Despite the run of draws that they have had.  And the two ex-Gunners are going to have something to prove.  Well, I know my team can win.  Will they win though...

An eye chart to frustrate us men

Well, it is the last few days of my holiday.  And although I am going back to work officially on Monday, I am going to temp on Saturday which means my holiday will be over sooner rather than later.  Yesterday we spent time in Bicester, doing some shopping, having spent the day before in Oxford.  The hotel was nice, breakfast was great.  Unfortunately, dinner did not suit my wife.  I liked it, but not only was service not as good as I would have liked (at first to be fair, it got better later) but they got our bill wrong.  Now, as I said, breakfast, brilliant.  Even my daughter, who I am convinced is solar powered (as she eats so little) loved it!  My son loves the time I am spending with him, though he still likes to try and take me on.  He and my daughter have started to play fight at times, and now both want to wrestle with me.  Fun, though at times, my son will get carried away.

Anyway, I hope you find this funny...

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

Secret admirer = Stalker with stationery

Well, it has been a while since my past post.  Too long really.  At the moment, I am off work, a two week holiday.  Though I have been temping during that!  Have spent time with the kids, and also watching films.  My wife and I took my daughter to watch Up last week and today, we watched Twilight - New Moon.  An interesting film which tells me more about how I have changed the way I watch films now that I am a father.  I have been spending the odd moment posting on Yahoo Answers again and while researching one answer, I found a post somewhere else that was copied and pasted from one of my answers!  Which was flattering really.

Anyway, Up, good film.  Love it.  The first film we took our daughter to.  And my review will tell all.  The same with Twilight - New Moon.  Have to read the books.  Well, I will try the first one and see what comes of that.  I might watch the first film.  Might.  Went out with my wife to Smiths before watching the film as our kids were at nursery.  Watching the film was interesting.  Since being a parent, our perspectives on films and television has changed.  Where as we would identify with the younger before, now it is the parents we look at.  But I will post more on the film review site.

I have nearly finished reading Voyage of the Dawn Treader to my daughter, and my son spends every day trying to get me to love him more.  As if that were possible.  He is learning to talk, and is trying to say things.  Often with his thumb in his mouth.  I am waiting for him to get a security blanket next.  And although he loves me lots, he still tries to attack me at times as he seeks to be Alpha male.

Anyway, I hope you like the joke...

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name, do I ?

Evening all.
A 14 year old boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

Afternoon all.  Am getting my energy back again.  Had to go to work this morning for a meeting.  And last night we had some people round for dinner.  It was a good night, but I was really tired.  I had to call it a night before the end, and my wife was still up at three in the morning!  Which meant that I could not look after the kids this morning like I normally like to.  I love looking after them, and it is not that nice when I miss out on that.  Not to mention the fact that my wife normally gets much needed rest during times like this.  Anyway, I have to prepare as tonight I am going to let of some fireworks.  My son did not really get a chance to appreciate them last year as he was so young.  My daughter did, and she is looking forwards to tonight.

Anyway, have to do, and I hope you like the joke...

Man joins the foreign legion and gets sent to a fort in the Sahara desert 20 miles from the nearest town. After a while he asks his mate what everyone does for sex as they're stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Friend tells him there's a local Arab named Abdul who's got camels. Man says "Camels, no fucking way I'd rather wank that's fucking disgusting".

Few weeks later he's gagging for it so says to his mate "Okay it'll have to be a camel then. Where can I find this fucking rag head?"

Sees Abdul and says to him "I'm busting for a rub and I've been told you've got camels I can use to sort myself out".

Abdul says "That's right it'll cost you 50 francs".

Man pays, stands looking at the camel's arse, then with a shrug he unzips it, lifts up the camel's tail and gets rid of six weeks worth of baby glue. When he'd finished he said to Abdul. "Bet you get to see a lot of that don't you?"

Abdul replied "No first time, everyone else rides the camel into town to the brothel."