Arsenal 2-0 West Ham

Arsenal 2-0 West Ham

Evening all.  Spent the weekend with the kids.  Mostly.  Friday, watched a film with the lads.  The Hurt Locker.  An interesting film, and one that it was nice to be able to watch.  Too depressing for my wife to watch really.

Anyway, my wife was ill last week and spent a lot of time down at her parents.  Which meant that I did not get to see my kids that much.  So when I saw them on Saturday, it was even better than normal.  Sunday, took them to the zoo which they loved.  And spending time with them was brilliant.  Today, took them to a farm shop, they loved the chickens and want some.  Not something I am too keen on.  Anyway, time to send some pictures if I can.

Hope you like the joke.  The video below is what my daughter likes watching right now.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford :

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of you realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

The definition of irony - A man who walks outside for fresh air but then smokes.

Good day to you all. My kids are back. Though with my wife not being that well, they might be gone again tomorrow. Spent today with them, and bless them, they still love me, even though they have not seen me for the last two days.

Anyway, knackered after working very late last night.

A duck hunter is out early one morning hunting ducks. He's not having a lot of luck and he's about ready to pack it in and go home.
Then he catches a break and shoots a duck. The duck falls to the ground on the other side of a fence. He hops the fence to grab the duck
and a farmer appears from nowhere and asks "What are you doing with my duck?" The hunter says "That's my duck! I shot it." The farmer replies "Doesn't matter -- it's on my land. But I'll tell you what. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts as hard as we can until one of us gives up. The winner keeps the duck. Oh, and I kick first." So the farmer winds up and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The pain is so awful the hunter throws up and then collapses. 10 minutes later, he tentatively gets to his feet and says "Okay, my turn."

To which the farmer replies "That's okay, you can keep the duck."

Hull 1-2 Arsenal

Hull 1-2 Arsenal

Well, determination won the match yesterday.  I did not get to watch it, but was able to listen to the second half on Five Live.  I might watch the highlights later.

Anyway, Mothers Day.  My wife is unwell.  I was at work yesterday so my wife drove down to her parents and I followed later.  I was hoping to take the kids to see my Mum yesterday, but I did not finish at work till late so took them this morning.  And I suspect that it was the best Mothers Day present my mother could have to see my kids.  The older of my two brothers was about to tame Dougal.  My kids love the dog.  And of course my mother and my two brothers.  My daughter is a bit wary of my youngest due to his druid like facial hair.  Left while the Grand Prix was going on, which in hindsight was a good thing if, as many say, it was dull.  So, I am at home alone and about to go to bed.  I hope you all like the joke...

A hunter was walking through the woods when he happened upon a grove, in it there was lying a beautiful, naked, young woman; The hunter stared at her breathlessly for a few moments' as she looked up at him seductively, rubbing her thighs.
The hunter finally asks her "Are you game?"
she giggling and replied "I certainly am!"

So he shot her.

Arsenal 5-0 FC Porto - WE ARE THROUGH!!!

Arsenal 5-0 FC Porto

Well, let me start on the Arsenal first of all.  We needed to win after out 2-1 defeat in Oporto last month.  Loads of people thought that it would be an easy game, but Porto had pace and skill.  Yes we were unlucky to lose back then, but you could also argue that Porto deserved the win.  But what a win!  The team came together and yes, if we can keep that spirit together, we can beat anyone.  And of course, this means that with Nasri in midfield we no longer need Fabregas.

Anyway, back to the family.  Since my last post, we have had my son's birthday party.  Aged two, he liked the party which my four year old daughter loved more.  But amongst the presents, he got a remote control car (thanks Claire) which he loves to bits.  And a Jo Jingles which he takes to sleep every night.  When taking them back home from seeing my Mother, they were listening to the Black Eyed Peas and now both the kids are hooked on them!  

Back to me, have watched V for Vendetta which was a great film.  I have had the DVD for a year or two.  A bit like how the UK would be if the BNP ever took power.

Anyway, time for the joke, then bed.  

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.



Love, your son, Joshua.



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home :)

And good night all.

I love to text "I'm pregnant" to a random number to get that frantic WHO IS THIS?!

Why has the Falklands row reached the UN. Argentina should respect the views of the inhabitants.

Anyway, rant for the day over. Am sitting against the radiator warming my back as I fear that I will be coming down with the cold my son has.  My daughter is starting to come down with it, but she tends (touch wood) to get over bugs quicker than her brother and also seems to fall ill less often.  I pray I am not tempting fate when I say that.

At the moment, she is watching Buzz Lightyear.  To be fair, we did get it for her brother.

Anyway, in the long time since I posted last, the family me my mother and brothers for my birthday, the kids are starting to enjoy Dougal, my youngest brothers dog more, and my mother-in-law is here to stay for a few days.  The kids love her being here.  Unfortunately, she is also down with the plague.

Hope you are all well.  A shame that can not be said of Ramsey, a player who has suffered a terrible injury in the game yesterday evening. 

Anyway, I hope you find this to be funny.  Sorry if not.

A young couple gets married. He is English and she's a chinese virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

 They travel to China to get married and have their honeymoon there.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets

As her husband undresses in the darkness and he gives her a good hard...

"Wang ho!" she cries. So he goes a little harder.

"WANG HO!" she cries ever louder. So he blasts away even harder.

Finally, she sobs "Wang ho", and he finishes, thoroughly spent.

 

The next day, he's playing golf and gets a bit carried away. He scores a birdy on his first round, and absently mindedly yells "Wang ho!"

His caddy turns to him and says "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Stoke 3-1 Arsenal

Stoke 3-1 Arsenal

Oh well, we were beaten. Did not get a chance to watch the match unfortunately. I have been not well for the last two days and today was better. Which meant that I had to drive down to London. I am busy with a birthday next weekend, and we have run out of supplies of certain foods, which meant a trip down to COSTCO. In addition, we needed to pop in somewhere, and while having lunch, I was phoned by my mother who has just got back from abroad. So we went to a different COSTCO and met up with my family for a few minutes. As my mother has a cat, my wife can not visit my mother any more. She was able to after the last cat died, but now there is a new one...

Anyway, the kids have opened some late Christmas presents, and they love them. My daughter has a Star Wars and a Doctor Who annual. She loves both. My son has some vegetables to but up, to say he loves them is an understatement. The kids did have some toy vegetables before, but alas they were lost in bits. He now is in bliss, cutting and cooking with the kitchen they have down stairs.

Here is hoping we top the table

Rejuvenated Gunners eye top spot

Evening all.  Just thought that I would need to post an update on the kids.  I am tempted to get my wife to e-mail me about the kids and then post as she is far funnier than I am.

At work, this has been a bad few weeks for me.  Snow has meant that I have not been able to get to work as early as I would like, and now, I am attending a course which means that I am not able to get enough rest at the end of the day.  My wife is ill in bed, my daughter coming down with something as well, which means I am concerned that I might get something as well.

Because my son was unwell last week, he did not get to go to nursery last week, and as he gets on well with his sister, my wife kept both at home to entertain each other.  This week though, he got to go.  He does not like going there.  He prefers to be at home with my wife (or me on the rare occasions that I am at home on a Monday).  But this time he was mostly fine.  My daughter of course loves it there.  One of the two boys she is keeping on the go goes there.

So yesterday, when they go to pre-school he was not keen on going as he felt that he was going to go to the nursery.  When I say they go to pre-school, he does not.  His sister does.  He has charmed the women who run it though, so when he goes, it will be fun to see what he tries to get away with.  My son though screamed once he saw where they were and tried to drag my wife to the play group he does go to.  It is set in a church and at the end, the kids are sung hymns and some join in.  My son did not.  He decided to join some of the kids who were playing with a tapestry at the back of the stage.  And he managed to take out a thread!  A vandal and he is not even two!

Anyway, I hope you like this...

Earlier this evening I was walking home, when a beautiful flaxen-haired girl leaned over a hedge and beckoned me into a field.

 

When I entered the field, I could see she was dressed solely in a fleece robe, which flowed down to her ankles.

 

She smiled at me and without a word, let the robe fall from her shoulders, revealing her naked body beneath.

 

Her ample breasts and smooth thighs glistened in the moonlight, as she spread herself for me.

 

She beckoned me between her legs and urged me to enter her, as she moaned softly in my ear.

 

We made love under the stars for hours, until she suddenly gripped my shoulders and whispered “Finish quickly my love, before I turn baaaaaaack…”

 

And that’s when you turned up and found me with this sheep, officer.