Help Wanted: Telepathy clinic, you know where to apply

Afternoon all.  It has been a while since my daughters birthday.  She now is four.  It only seems like yesterday that she was born and I held her in my arms.  Now she is gaining independence.  Just like her younger brother.

She loved her birthday.  We took them to Adventure Land where her and her brother had loads of fun.  And her friends came.  And of course, she loved that.  I swear that the solution to global warming is to stick dynamo's on kids and soak up the energy they use running about!  David and Tony stayed down till after the party, thought they did not come to Adventure Land, which made sense, as for those without kids, it would be very very boring.  But that is life with kids, you find all sorts of things that kids do fascinating, whereas those who still have lives...

Anyway, my son has not been too well, though he seems to be getting better, which we can tell as he has started to cause trouble again!

Anyway, have to go, I hope you like the joke...

A primary school teacher was observing her children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God".

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like".

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

 

"They will in a minute".

Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir is accused of ‘dancing on Steven Gately’s grave for money’. Let's hope they bury him at sea.

Evening.  Am watching Match of the Day right now.  I do not know the Arsenal score though.David and Tony have been down from the grim north for my daughters birthday.  Today is the last day that she is three!  After reading her a chapter from Prince Caspian went down, ate with our guests and then watched bits of Strictly come Dancing.  After my wife went to bed, Tony watched the X-factor which we have not really watched at all this series.  After watching John and Edward, I felt that I really should not have bothered.  They were really really bad, but I did get to see Stacey Solomon.  When she speaks, I feel the urge to shoot her.  When she sings though...

Anyway, today, spent time with the kids this morning, while my wife was preparing for things for tomorrow.  In the afternoon took my daughter to get her bear for her birthday tomorrow.  We had wanted to go in earlier, but unfortunately, my wife is coming down ill so it had to be in the afternoon.  But she loved it, actually, both my daughter and my wife loved it.  She chose a unicorn rather than a proper bear, got it stuffed, and then helped get its birth certificate ready.  My son liked the day as well, as I made him walk the first part of the day from the car park to the shop.  He did try to escape from time to time, but then he is not even two and loves traffic!

And the title of the blog above refers to an article written in the Mail about the death of the Boyzone singer.

Anyway, I have to get some sleep and watch the matches.  Hope you like the joke... 

“Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband”

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

 

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

     

Why is it that a fly can get into my house though the tiniest crack in the door but can't get out through an open window?

Well, it has been a week or more since I last posted.  I have been ill, tired or busy.  So sorry.

Got home last week on Tuesday to find that the kids were being put into the bath.  My son, naked was screaming a bit, so I picked him up to hold him.  Just as well.  He gave me a very nice hug, and then did a wee on me.  Just as well I had got back from work rather than going out.  And I guess it could have been worse.  And as it went on me, and soaked into my clothes, hardly any went onto the floor, which made things easier to clean up.

On Wednesday, Lynn came round, which both kids loved.  They love her loads and my daughter spent time talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and did I mention that she was talking to her?  My son who can not talk spent time with her as well handing her various items he felt that she should hold!

And on the weekend, it was a trip down to see my Father-in-law as it was his birthday.  He loved having the kids round.  There were balloons on the door which both kids loved.  And cake, and jelly.

As for me, I managed to watch the Arsenal match where we beat Blackburn 6-2.  But Blackburn did not really play that well and had a penalty turned down which they should have got.  Such matches are frustrating for me as I am an Arsenal fan of old and am used to clean sheets.  If we had played a half decent team, we would have been beaten as Blackburn did not press us, gave us too much time on the ball and we are really bad at defending.  But at least I also got to watch the highlights of the Ukraine-England match.  Not live, but highlights afterwards thanks to the BBC.

Anyway, have to go now.  Hope you like the joke...  

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.'Do these excite you?' She asked.  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.  'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.  'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

Why is it that the only people that know how to run this country are either driving taxis or cutting hair?

Evening all. We are back at home. We went today to Sanjay and Tina's in London for their daughters birthday. The kids loved it, and now are in bed asleep.

Right, now my daughter is soon to turn four. And this is her birthday wishlist (with links). A green lightsaber, a Duplo box of bricks, a Little Miss Sunshine, Peppa Pig space cadets, A Disney princess dress, a talking Little Miss Chatterbox, or a guitar from the Early Learning Centre. I am sure that there are other things that she would want.

Anyway, her birthday is going to be interesting. My daughter you see, not even four has two boyfriends. One older, one younger. And they are both to come to her party...

On the topic of unconventional relationships, thanks to Sally and Simon, my wife and I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona. A damm good film, which I would post more about, but I have to go to bed.

I hope you like the joke...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
'What are you doing?' he say's.
'I'm trying to commit suicide.' she says.
'Well before you jump give me a blow job,' the truckie asks, so she does.
After she's finished the truckie says 'Wow thats wasted talent, why are you committing suicide?'
'Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!'