I bought a train ticket the other day and in the corner it read 'STD' How did they know?

Wenger refuses to rule out Sol swoop

Good morning all.  I am downstairs with the kids.  As I start to type this, they are watching Charlie and Lola.  And they are only getting in each others way on occasion.  If one sits somewhere, the other wants to sit there.  If one wants to play with something, the other wants to play with it.  Keep them apart, and they miss the other though.  Though, of course, once I type this, they have decided to give each other space.  My daughter is watching Ooglies and my son is wondering about playing on the cooker (do not worry Mum, it is a toy one) or doing other things.  This week they have been greeting me at the door, though when I come through the door, they do remind me of the Squeeze toy aliens from Toy Story.  Amusing though.

We had guests round last night.  Miranda and Francis with Barbara and Chris for a meal.  It was great having them round.  Drinks, and of course, the great food that my wife makes.  Anyway, drinks, up late last night.  And so, my wife is getting much needed sleep upstairs.  Which is why I, sleep deprived, am awake.  (They wake at 0600 without fail.)

I will of course try to watch the Arsenal match at Anfield on television.  With our recent results, I am not too hopeful of a result in this game.  Especially as Liverpool have had loads of set backs and really have something to prove.   

Anyway, I hope this makes you laugh...

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Another run out for the teenagers

Aquilani to make bow in dead rubber

I was feeling really ill yesterday.  My son was not too well then either.  He, like me is not 100%, but is getting better.  Snotty nose and all that.  So yesterday I was in bed practically all day.  My son had to get some kip he not being too well on the weekend, but getting worse on Monday night.  My daughter was quite concerned, asking me if I was going to go to heaven and asking my wife if I was ever going to get out of bed!  But she was quite kind and told me a story.  

Unfortunately, that meant time off work, but trust me, I would rather have gone into work than felt as ill as I did!  On the bright side, I did get to watch a video on YouTube that I have been meaning to watch for ages.  

Anyway, I took my kids out for a walk to get the paper earlier.  My son is now with me playing on his toy laptop while I post this, and my daughter has gone out with my wife to the shops while we wait for the playhouse they are going to get for Christmas to be delivered.  

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

War. Gods way of teaching us geography.

Arsenal 2 Stoke 0

How we did not score more goals in that game is amazing.  No recognised centre forward.  And we won.  And we should have had many more goals.

Anyway.  Back to the kids.  My son on the weekend refused to eat grapes as my wife had not put them on the plate.  He got into a strop, as my wife had put them down on a table, looked at her, then put them on a plate.  And then started to eat them.

Anyway, did my night shift.  Come the morning, got some much needed sleep and woke up to my wife banging on the door as she tried to come in the house.  Apparently, her idiot husband had put the chain on!  Spent time playing with the kids.  My daughter watched Kindergarten Cop which was interesting.  More so as I can understand the effect kids have on you more now!  

I am sure there is more to type about, but I am knackered and want to go to sleep.  Good night, and enjoy the joke.

My girlfriend Alice is paying for me to get a tattoo of my ex-girlfriend's name removed from my arm as my Christmas present.

Fuck that, I'm getting her a deed poll, she's changing her name to Jodie.

Tiger Woods has achieved the impossible. He's made Golf interesting.

Wenger: No regrets over Hughes spat

Well, it has now been reported.  Not that many who watched the match will be surprised as the language was easily to make out thanks to lip reading.  And the professor himself has decided to talk about it, or rather not.  

Anyway, took the kids to Bluewater today.  My wife drove down first and I followed with the kids later after feeding them.  Which meant I got to spend the morning with them, feeding them and having a laugh with them as well.  Now, I am at her parents, trying to sleep as I am working over night tonight.  Well, I did fall asleep, but then my wife came in to check up on me, and now I can not get back to sleep!  Anyway, while there, she saw some Storm Troopers, some Clone Troopers, and Darth Maul.  Having managed to make her love Star Wars, she loved it, especially when she went into John Lewis and actually shook hands with Darth Vader himself!  And to make matters even better, she is now watching Return of the Jedi.  Which made things a bit of a problem when my mother phoned to talk to her from abroad as she wanted to watch the film.  Mum, if you are reading this, phone tomorrow at 1900 GMT and she will be ready to speak.

So I am reading up on the football, and the world cup draw.  

So, with North Korea being drawn in the same group as Portugal, is anyone else hoping that Kim Jong-il has Cristiano Ronaldo assassinated?

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Well, it is almost the weekend, and I am at home with my wife watching Spooks.  So far, she has not taken a golf club to me.  Have been back at work, and yes, I do like it.  I did manage to spend Wednesday with the kids.  And my wife.  (She is enjoying a banker being tortured right now by Ros who has lost the plot a bit.)

Anyway, an update on the kids.  My daughter has been to a birthday party where she sang.  My son has been to a baby gym (well, he is a toddler) and loved it.  Both happened yesterday.  Now, to bed.  Well, after Spooks... 

Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.

It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.

First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?

A shame the article missed the swear words...

Manchester City 3-0 Arsenal / Sport / Home - Morning Star

Oh well, we lost.  But the newspaper reports are biased.  They seem to forget the language Mark Hughes was using.  I am not sure I would shake hands with a man who spent the 90 minutes swearing loads about my team...

Adebayor prepares to meet old foes / Sport / Home - Morning Star

Adebayor prepares to meet old foes / Sport / Home - Morning Star

I am concerned.  Are we going to win.  Shitty are a good side.  Despite the run of draws that they have had.  And the two ex-Gunners are going to have something to prove.  Well, I know my team can win.  Will they win though...