It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

Afternoon all.  Am getting my energy back again.  Had to go to work this morning for a meeting.  And last night we had some people round for dinner.  It was a good night, but I was really tired.  I had to call it a night before the end, and my wife was still up at three in the morning!  Which meant that I could not look after the kids this morning like I normally like to.  I love looking after them, and it is not that nice when I miss out on that.  Not to mention the fact that my wife normally gets much needed rest during times like this.  Anyway, I have to prepare as tonight I am going to let of some fireworks.  My son did not really get a chance to appreciate them last year as he was so young.  My daughter did, and she is looking forwards to tonight.

Anyway, have to do, and I hope you like the joke...

Man joins the foreign legion and gets sent to a fort in the Sahara desert 20 miles from the nearest town. After a while he asks his mate what everyone does for sex as they're stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Friend tells him there's a local Arab named Abdul who's got camels. Man says "Camels, no fucking way I'd rather wank that's fucking disgusting".

Few weeks later he's gagging for it so says to his mate "Okay it'll have to be a camel then. Where can I find this fucking rag head?"

Sees Abdul and says to him "I'm busting for a rub and I've been told you've got camels I can use to sort myself out".

Abdul says "That's right it'll cost you 50 francs".

Man pays, stands looking at the camel's arse, then with a shrug he unzips it, lifts up the camel's tail and gets rid of six weeks worth of baby glue. When he'd finished he said to Abdul. "Bet you get to see a lot of that don't you?"

Abdul replied "No first time, everyone else rides the camel into town to the brothel."

Who likes fisting? Put your hand up

Evening all.  In bed with my lovely wife while she watches New Tricks.

I spent yesterday with the kids.  Which I love doing.  My son was not that well, a bit unwell, and fell asleep on me before lunch.  Unfortunately that meant that he did not sleep afterwards and fell asleep before his dinner!  He keeps trying to play with her guitar.  Yesterday she decided to play it to one of her favourite songs when it was on Radio 2.  Her guitar of course being one of her birthday presents.  One great thing about them is the way they run up to me when I come home.  Of course I also love it when my wife does the same.  Anyway, watched Spooks as well with her last night after putting the kids to bed, reading them the Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Anyway, time to go to bed.  Have just heard about the shootings on the army base in the USA and am watching about the five men murdered in Afghanistan while training Afghans to safeguard Afghanistan.  It is a shame that there is so much violence, but it is important to remember the sacrifice these men and women make, and of course, most of us will be doing so soon.

On a lighter side, Arsenal won again.  And I hope you like the joke and I hope all have a safe Guy Fawkes night and do not take any silly risks...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."

We beat the scum 3-0!

I was going through a phase of putting jokes up as the title for the posts, but this one deserves special attention.  You see, we beat the scum 3-0 on the weekend.  A very enjoyable game.  One which was close until the first two goals went in.  Of course, every Arsenal fan was concerned that the score at half time in the midweek game against West Ham was 2-0 and the game ended in a draw.  My kids watched the first to goals go in, but went to bed at half time.  But the victory was all the sweeter considering that one member of the Scum thought that they had a better squad than us!

Anyway, it was Halloween last week. On Saturday, we went out with the kids, trick-or-treating and found quite a few familiar faces.  First, we spent time with Sally, Simon and the kids, as well as meeting up with other from down the road.  And then out on the streets getting sweets.  Or rather the kids went out for sweets. While out there, we met Jo and Patrick from the Lemon Tree and I had to keep running back to make sure that kids got sweets when they knocked on ours.  Anyway, once again, I am tired, and want to go to bed.  I hope you all like this joke...

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

 

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

 

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

Help Wanted: Telepathy clinic, you know where to apply

Afternoon all.  It has been a while since my daughters birthday.  She now is four.  It only seems like yesterday that she was born and I held her in my arms.  Now she is gaining independence.  Just like her younger brother.

She loved her birthday.  We took them to Adventure Land where her and her brother had loads of fun.  And her friends came.  And of course, she loved that.  I swear that the solution to global warming is to stick dynamo's on kids and soak up the energy they use running about!  David and Tony stayed down till after the party, thought they did not come to Adventure Land, which made sense, as for those without kids, it would be very very boring.  But that is life with kids, you find all sorts of things that kids do fascinating, whereas those who still have lives...

Anyway, my son has not been too well, though he seems to be getting better, which we can tell as he has started to cause trouble again!

Anyway, have to go, I hope you like the joke...

A primary school teacher was observing her children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God".

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like".

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

 

"They will in a minute".

Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir is accused of ‘dancing on Steven Gately’s grave for money’. Let's hope they bury him at sea.

Evening.  Am watching Match of the Day right now.  I do not know the Arsenal score though.David and Tony have been down from the grim north for my daughters birthday.  Today is the last day that she is three!  After reading her a chapter from Prince Caspian went down, ate with our guests and then watched bits of Strictly come Dancing.  After my wife went to bed, Tony watched the X-factor which we have not really watched at all this series.  After watching John and Edward, I felt that I really should not have bothered.  They were really really bad, but I did get to see Stacey Solomon.  When she speaks, I feel the urge to shoot her.  When she sings though...

Anyway, today, spent time with the kids this morning, while my wife was preparing for things for tomorrow.  In the afternoon took my daughter to get her bear for her birthday tomorrow.  We had wanted to go in earlier, but unfortunately, my wife is coming down ill so it had to be in the afternoon.  But she loved it, actually, both my daughter and my wife loved it.  She chose a unicorn rather than a proper bear, got it stuffed, and then helped get its birth certificate ready.  My son liked the day as well, as I made him walk the first part of the day from the car park to the shop.  He did try to escape from time to time, but then he is not even two and loves traffic!

And the title of the blog above refers to an article written in the Mail about the death of the Boyzone singer.

Anyway, I have to get some sleep and watch the matches.  Hope you like the joke... 

“Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband”

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

 

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

     

Why is it that a fly can get into my house though the tiniest crack in the door but can't get out through an open window?

Well, it has been a week or more since I last posted.  I have been ill, tired or busy.  So sorry.

Got home last week on Tuesday to find that the kids were being put into the bath.  My son, naked was screaming a bit, so I picked him up to hold him.  Just as well.  He gave me a very nice hug, and then did a wee on me.  Just as well I had got back from work rather than going out.  And I guess it could have been worse.  And as it went on me, and soaked into my clothes, hardly any went onto the floor, which made things easier to clean up.

On Wednesday, Lynn came round, which both kids loved.  They love her loads and my daughter spent time talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and did I mention that she was talking to her?  My son who can not talk spent time with her as well handing her various items he felt that she should hold!

And on the weekend, it was a trip down to see my Father-in-law as it was his birthday.  He loved having the kids round.  There were balloons on the door which both kids loved.  And cake, and jelly.

As for me, I managed to watch the Arsenal match where we beat Blackburn 6-2.  But Blackburn did not really play that well and had a penalty turned down which they should have got.  Such matches are frustrating for me as I am an Arsenal fan of old and am used to clean sheets.  If we had played a half decent team, we would have been beaten as Blackburn did not press us, gave us too much time on the ball and we are really bad at defending.  But at least I also got to watch the highlights of the Ukraine-England match.  Not live, but highlights afterwards thanks to the BBC.

Anyway, have to go now.  Hope you like the joke...  

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.'Do these excite you?' She asked.  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.  'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.  'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

Why is it that the only people that know how to run this country are either driving taxis or cutting hair?

Evening all. We are back at home. We went today to Sanjay and Tina's in London for their daughters birthday. The kids loved it, and now are in bed asleep.

Right, now my daughter is soon to turn four. And this is her birthday wishlist (with links). A green lightsaber, a Duplo box of bricks, a Little Miss Sunshine, Peppa Pig space cadets, A Disney princess dress, a talking Little Miss Chatterbox, or a guitar from the Early Learning Centre. I am sure that there are other things that she would want.

Anyway, her birthday is going to be interesting. My daughter you see, not even four has two boyfriends. One older, one younger. And they are both to come to her party...

On the topic of unconventional relationships, thanks to Sally and Simon, my wife and I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona. A damm good film, which I would post more about, but I have to go to bed.

I hope you like the joke...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
'What are you doing?' he say's.
'I'm trying to commit suicide.' she says.
'Well before you jump give me a blow job,' the truckie asks, so she does.
After she's finished the truckie says 'Wow thats wasted talent, why are you committing suicide?'
'Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!'