Why is it that a fly can get into my house though the tiniest crack in the door but can't get out through an open window?

Well, it has been a week or more since I last posted.  I have been ill, tired or busy.  So sorry.

Got home last week on Tuesday to find that the kids were being put into the bath.  My son, naked was screaming a bit, so I picked him up to hold him.  Just as well.  He gave me a very nice hug, and then did a wee on me.  Just as well I had got back from work rather than going out.  And I guess it could have been worse.  And as it went on me, and soaked into my clothes, hardly any went onto the floor, which made things easier to clean up.

On Wednesday, Lynn came round, which both kids loved.  They love her loads and my daughter spent time talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and talking to her, and did I mention that she was talking to her?  My son who can not talk spent time with her as well handing her various items he felt that she should hold!

And on the weekend, it was a trip down to see my Father-in-law as it was his birthday.  He loved having the kids round.  There were balloons on the door which both kids loved.  And cake, and jelly.

As for me, I managed to watch the Arsenal match where we beat Blackburn 6-2.  But Blackburn did not really play that well and had a penalty turned down which they should have got.  Such matches are frustrating for me as I am an Arsenal fan of old and am used to clean sheets.  If we had played a half decent team, we would have been beaten as Blackburn did not press us, gave us too much time on the ball and we are really bad at defending.  But at least I also got to watch the highlights of the Ukraine-England match.  Not live, but highlights afterwards thanks to the BBC.

Anyway, have to go now.  Hope you like the joke...  

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.'Do these excite you?' She asked.  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.  'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.  'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

Why is it that the only people that know how to run this country are either driving taxis or cutting hair?

Evening all. We are back at home. We went today to Sanjay and Tina's in London for their daughters birthday. The kids loved it, and now are in bed asleep.

Right, now my daughter is soon to turn four. And this is her birthday wishlist (with links). A green lightsaber, a Duplo box of bricks, a Little Miss Sunshine, Peppa Pig space cadets, A Disney princess dress, a talking Little Miss Chatterbox, or a guitar from the Early Learning Centre. I am sure that there are other things that she would want.

Anyway, her birthday is going to be interesting. My daughter you see, not even four has two boyfriends. One older, one younger. And they are both to come to her party...

On the topic of unconventional relationships, thanks to Sally and Simon, my wife and I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona. A damm good film, which I would post more about, but I have to go to bed.

I hope you like the joke...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
'What are you doing?' he say's.
'I'm trying to commit suicide.' she says.
'Well before you jump give me a blow job,' the truckie asks, so she does.
After she's finished the truckie says 'Wow thats wasted talent, why are you committing suicide?'
'Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!'

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them whilst driving.

Evening all. I am halfway through my holiday with the family. Have not done as much at home as I would have liked. Must do more tomorrow...

My son had a vaccination today. He is going to have more next month. He did quite well considering his father is such a weed with needles.
Yesterday my daughter went to pre-school and I got to take my son to the toddlers play group at the church hall. It is aimed at getting kids young and trying to convert them. I do not know if it works that much, but the kids love it. I was not the only father there which was good and thanks to my socialble wife, I know some of the mothers there. It was good to see my son playing there, though he does have a tendency to snatch. He is after all, only eighteen months old. But he only did it three times in two hours. He does that far more often with his sister!

She went to a play-date with a new friend and my wife went as well to have a chat with her mother. Which meant I got to spend more quality time with my son.

Moments like this do not last forever and I need to treasure them as once gone, they will never come back. Well, not now that I have had the snip!

Anyway, tired again. Will try to post tomorrow and you never know, I might have something interesting to post about for a change! Anyway, I hope you like the joke...

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

Today was a day spent on the whole, without the kids.  Both went to nursery today.  Of course, after feeling tired the night before, both awoke at 0600.  Or rather, my wife and I felt tired the night before!  But hey, why have kids and then except to sleep in late?

Took my daughter to the nursery only for a fire alarm to have sounded, which meant that we had to wait before I got to drop her off.  I dropped off my son later.  He screamed.  You see, he does not like it there.  But he has only been there for a few days, and he is gradually being broken into it.

While they were gone, my wife and I worked on sorting out the many toys they have.  Loads can go away to a land called car boot.  But of course, they need not be told of this.  Make me wonder what happened to toys that were 'lost' when I was a child!

Anyway, am watching Flash Forward.  And once that is over, bed.  Good night all.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!

The end of the weekend

Tired once again.

Took the kids to see my mother on Saturday.  They got to see my two brothers and Jess (the youngest ones good looking partner).  Both loved playing with Dougal, who according to the older of my two brothers, is never as excited as he is when he sees my two kids.  My mother bought my eighteen month old son a toy motorbike.  A shame it says (clearly) in the packaging that it is not suitable for kids under 36 months!  She also got some things for my daughter, but taking them home, I found out that they were already broken!

Today my wife's parents got back from holiday.  I did not get to see the reaction as the kids saw them this morning as I sadly was at work.  But I did get to see them this afternoon.  Had to look after them this evening as I had arranged for my wife to go to a wine tasting at a nearby wine shop.  She cooked for them before she left, and all I had to do was feed them.

I can not remember if I have said this before, but my son loves meat, and my daughter hates anything with calories in it.  A bit of an exaggeration I guess.  But to make the meal interesting, I changed the Roast Chicken to roast seagull, carrots became Monkey Fingers, beans were rat's tails and the potatoes were hamster brains.  While it may sound gross, it got my daughter to eat loads, and with little fuss.  The only down side was that I had to make up a story as to why she was eating each item.  Mind you, that was not really that much of a downside!

My messy desk

Yawn! Knackered. I start to get over one illness, then another comes along. And I have to be working efficiently as I will be on holiday for next week. Not going anywhere, just spending time with the family and trying to make the house more presentable. Which means that I will have to get my desk clear before I go.

The kids are sort of well. My son has an unlimited supply of snot. He was more unwell before, and today has been very clingy. My daughter had her pre-school jabs as she was well enough for them. Second dose of MMR and the pneumonia one. And to be fair, she did really well. I was surprised that the nurse showed her the needles first, but we had told her that she was going to have an injection and got her to play giving one to me. She did go Ow! for the first one, but kept still for the second. I suspect that the box of additive filled sweets that she got to go through before and after the injections helped though!

Anyway, time to go to bed. Good night!

The past is memory, the future a mystery and now is a gift, which is why they call it the present

Evening all.  And in bed with my missus.  And we are both ill.

But never mind, the kids, who were ill are almost back to normal.  This weekend, I took the kids to see my mother (and they also got to see my two brothers for a short period of time) and we watched Kung Fu Panda and the Cannonball Run II.  Also, of course, we have taken time to watch Strictly Come Dancing and my daughter has now watched some of the BBC Narnia series.  I had to have Friday of due to a doctors appointment.  Or rather a hospital appointment.  My wife was concerned I had something serious.  I was not.  Fortunately, I was right, this time.  She was quite concerned about me and her worry has made her stressed, and now she is ill.  Mind you, the rest of us are as well.  Nothing like Swine Flu, just a series of bad colds, one after the other.

Anyway, time to go to bed.  I hope you like the joke.  And good night. 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...