An eye chart to frustrate us men

Well, it is the last few days of my holiday.  And although I am going back to work officially on Monday, I am going to temp on Saturday which means my holiday will be over sooner rather than later.  Yesterday we spent time in Bicester, doing some shopping, having spent the day before in Oxford.  The hotel was nice, breakfast was great.  Unfortunately, dinner did not suit my wife.  I liked it, but not only was service not as good as I would have liked (at first to be fair, it got better later) but they got our bill wrong.  Now, as I said, breakfast, brilliant.  Even my daughter, who I am convinced is solar powered (as she eats so little) loved it!  My son loves the time I am spending with him, though he still likes to try and take me on.  He and my daughter have started to play fight at times, and now both want to wrestle with me.  Fun, though at times, my son will get carried away.

Anyway, I hope you find this funny...

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

Secret admirer = Stalker with stationery

Well, it has been a while since my past post.  Too long really.  At the moment, I am off work, a two week holiday.  Though I have been temping during that!  Have spent time with the kids, and also watching films.  My wife and I took my daughter to watch Up last week and today, we watched Twilight - New Moon.  An interesting film which tells me more about how I have changed the way I watch films now that I am a father.  I have been spending the odd moment posting on Yahoo Answers again and while researching one answer, I found a post somewhere else that was copied and pasted from one of my answers!  Which was flattering really.

Anyway, Up, good film.  Love it.  The first film we took our daughter to.  And my review will tell all.  The same with Twilight - New Moon.  Have to read the books.  Well, I will try the first one and see what comes of that.  I might watch the first film.  Might.  Went out with my wife to Smiths before watching the film as our kids were at nursery.  Watching the film was interesting.  Since being a parent, our perspectives on films and television has changed.  Where as we would identify with the younger before, now it is the parents we look at.  But I will post more on the film review site.

I have nearly finished reading Voyage of the Dawn Treader to my daughter, and my son spends every day trying to get me to love him more.  As if that were possible.  He is learning to talk, and is trying to say things.  Often with his thumb in his mouth.  I am waiting for him to get a security blanket next.  And although he loves me lots, he still tries to attack me at times as he seeks to be Alpha male.

Anyway, I hope you like the joke...

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

I'm always frank with my sexual partners. Don't want them knowing my real name, do I ?

Evening all.
A 14 year old boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

Afternoon all.  Am getting my energy back again.  Had to go to work this morning for a meeting.  And last night we had some people round for dinner.  It was a good night, but I was really tired.  I had to call it a night before the end, and my wife was still up at three in the morning!  Which meant that I could not look after the kids this morning like I normally like to.  I love looking after them, and it is not that nice when I miss out on that.  Not to mention the fact that my wife normally gets much needed rest during times like this.  Anyway, I have to prepare as tonight I am going to let of some fireworks.  My son did not really get a chance to appreciate them last year as he was so young.  My daughter did, and she is looking forwards to tonight.

Anyway, have to do, and I hope you like the joke...

Man joins the foreign legion and gets sent to a fort in the Sahara desert 20 miles from the nearest town. After a while he asks his mate what everyone does for sex as they're stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Friend tells him there's a local Arab named Abdul who's got camels. Man says "Camels, no fucking way I'd rather wank that's fucking disgusting".

Few weeks later he's gagging for it so says to his mate "Okay it'll have to be a camel then. Where can I find this fucking rag head?"

Sees Abdul and says to him "I'm busting for a rub and I've been told you've got camels I can use to sort myself out".

Abdul says "That's right it'll cost you 50 francs".

Man pays, stands looking at the camel's arse, then with a shrug he unzips it, lifts up the camel's tail and gets rid of six weeks worth of baby glue. When he'd finished he said to Abdul. "Bet you get to see a lot of that don't you?"

Abdul replied "No first time, everyone else rides the camel into town to the brothel."

Who likes fisting? Put your hand up

Evening all.  In bed with my lovely wife while she watches New Tricks.

I spent yesterday with the kids.  Which I love doing.  My son was not that well, a bit unwell, and fell asleep on me before lunch.  Unfortunately that meant that he did not sleep afterwards and fell asleep before his dinner!  He keeps trying to play with her guitar.  Yesterday she decided to play it to one of her favourite songs when it was on Radio 2.  Her guitar of course being one of her birthday presents.  One great thing about them is the way they run up to me when I come home.  Of course I also love it when my wife does the same.  Anyway, watched Spooks as well with her last night after putting the kids to bed, reading them the Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Anyway, time to go to bed.  Have just heard about the shootings on the army base in the USA and am watching about the five men murdered in Afghanistan while training Afghans to safeguard Afghanistan.  It is a shame that there is so much violence, but it is important to remember the sacrifice these men and women make, and of course, most of us will be doing so soon.

On a lighter side, Arsenal won again.  And I hope you like the joke and I hope all have a safe Guy Fawkes night and do not take any silly risks...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."

We beat the scum 3-0!

I was going through a phase of putting jokes up as the title for the posts, but this one deserves special attention.  You see, we beat the scum 3-0 on the weekend.  A very enjoyable game.  One which was close until the first two goals went in.  Of course, every Arsenal fan was concerned that the score at half time in the midweek game against West Ham was 2-0 and the game ended in a draw.  My kids watched the first to goals go in, but went to bed at half time.  But the victory was all the sweeter considering that one member of the Scum thought that they had a better squad than us!

Anyway, it was Halloween last week. On Saturday, we went out with the kids, trick-or-treating and found quite a few familiar faces.  First, we spent time with Sally, Simon and the kids, as well as meeting up with other from down the road.  And then out on the streets getting sweets.  Or rather the kids went out for sweets. While out there, we met Jo and Patrick from the Lemon Tree and I had to keep running back to make sure that kids got sweets when they knocked on ours.  Anyway, once again, I am tired, and want to go to bed.  I hope you all like this joke...

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

 

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

 

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'