If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Hello.  I guess this is a great title considering the game result.  A draw.  Sad really, considering that we were two goals to one up.  I have got all my swear words out.  And the team knew that they had to focus.  But never mind.  I guess.  Well I will mind, but I have my kids, who are far more important to me than Arsenal is.  And of course my wife.  Who also is more important than the football team.

And speaking of the family, my daughter is about the same as she was yesterday.  Which is unwell, but still well enough to play about, though she gets tired easily.  And in an attempt to stop my son from trying to kill us I took him out for a walk while my daughter was having a nap.  He loved having quality time with me.  Sad considering that I am going to work tomorrow.  The kids have been playing with the Lego and Duplo that they got for Christmas.  And of course, being kids, they have been as cheeky as they could get away with.  My son of course being the one who is the most cheeky out of the two of them.

Anyway, I have to go.  Time to massage my wife's feet.  Good night all.

  



And I hope you find this funny.

Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and knowingly, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st visit to the loos in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her breasts simultaneously.

Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the loo. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to sleep with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Arsenal vs Chelski

Well, let me try this out. A post by e-mail.

First of all, the kids. My son has not been too well for the last few days. So today, he gave his illness to his sister (they love to share) and then got better. So we had an Ill daughter who was too unwell to go to a birthday party and a son who had regained his energy. This really came out later today. While his sister was knackered, he decided that he needed to wrestle. Normally he decides to take me on, I am after all the pretender to the throne of Alpha Male that his rightfully his. (He stays at home & looks after everyone while I sod off to work.). But today he decided to attack my wife. It might be that he has decided to like me more as I have been at home. It took some doing, but after a while I managed to get him to try to fight me instead. Of course, I have to lose at times.

And on that topic, it was kind of Chelski to lose last night. I did not think that would happen. I actually thought that we were going to be beaten again, though I also was aware that probability was on our side, not just the awful run of form that Chelski had, but that we were playing better, and that we deserved some luck in this fixture. Drogba loves playing against us. The git that he is, he ruined the Arsenal career of Senderos who, until a game against him was brilliant and afterwards, he lost load of confidence and never regained it while wearing an Arsenal shirt. But it was enjoyable to watch a game we both dominated and more importantly won. In the past we have been all over Chelski only for Drogba to score on a counter attack. Victory was sweet last night, though my wife was glad that the kids were asleep during the game as my language was a bit foul!

Anyway, goodnight all.

http://captainstarkiller.blogspot.com/

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

Evening all.  Hope you all are well.

Not much time to post.  

Kids had a great Christmas.  They loved the toys they got.  Yesterday I took them down to London to see my mother.  And today Lynn and Steve popped round which both loved as they can get loads of hugs and attention from Lynn.  My son has a thing for attractive blondes you see.  Well, they are attractive!  My wife thinks that he prefers blondes, but being two, you can not really tell.  Anyway, I am knackered.  I have stayed up to watch Arsenal win!  And not only win, but beat Chelski and overcome a run of defeats against them!  A good game, and good post match analysis on Sky (though I prefer the way Alan Hansen goes through matches on Match of the Day).

Good night all, and take care!  I hope you like the video below and that you do not consider it to be too rude.  If you do, tough!


Oh, and the joke...

Compare The Meerkat

Great Grandad: Battles Mongoose
Grandad: Sails To Russia
Father: Compare The Meerkat.Shop
Alexandr: Bribes FIFA Officials

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I got this joke by text earlier this week, or a Christmas version of it. 
The kids are looking forwards to Christmas.  Well my daughter is. 
She was able to speak to my mother using my iPhone while she was using her webcam.  (Thanks to one of my brothers for this.)  All she taked about yesterday was how today would be Christmas Eve and that Father Christmas could be coming to visit.  To say that she is excited would be an understatement.  My son is aware something is going on.  Being aged two, he has been annoyed that he has been to other people's birthday parties, but that he has not had one himself.  Needless to say, trying to explain this to him has been fairly fruitless.  But he is going to love Christmas.  He is going to get Buzz Lightyear.  He got Woody for his birthday, and although he loves Woody, he seems to prefer Buzz, I suspect because he is a spaceman and being two, he has not watched many Cowboy and Indian films.  Anyway, I have taken a quick break at work to post this.  I need to get back to work as my break is over. 

Take care all, and have a Merry Christmas!



There were three men talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third man remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two blokes where amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

She said 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'

I could kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!

Morning all.  The post title is a reference to the award of the Nobel Peace Prize earlier this year.  Sad that China not only was against it, but exerted huge pressure on nations not to attend the ceremony.  And considering the power it is gaining, worrying as well.  I know that we in the west have supported despots in the past, and when you look at nations with appalling human rights records, such as Saudi Arabia, continue to do so still, but the actions of people in the west have resulted in a more ethical stance being taken on many issues by those in power.

And speaking of power, well it has been an interesting month for those in power.  There has been the action of the Liberal Democrats with tuition fees.

Something which has been captured in song.  And I think a very good one as well.  In fact, not only did I mention it on Yahoo! Answers, but I downloaded it as well.


Though it was a shame it did not beat the X-factor winner to number one!  Anyway, I have had a few days off.  Today is my last day away from work before I head back on Friday to work on Christmas Eve.  It has been good to have a break.  And for those who do not know, it has snowed.  On Saturday, I was working in Haverhill and it snowed while I was there.  By snow, I mean loads of snow, that overwhelmed the roads. Not enough grit could be placed on the roads, and the snow ploughs that I saw working were not able to keep up with the amount of snowthat was falling.

I drove through one village down a hill to find that the people there were helping cars up a hill.  Later on, I got stuck on a hill myself, but managed to free myself, and again, later on came across another village where the people there were helping drivers up the hill there.  Just as well considering the nightmare that driving up a snow covered hill can cause!

But I was lucky and I was able to make it home.  That Saturday was an interesting day.  I had to take a route home with less hills, and avoid parts of Colchester which had ground to a halt due to the snow.  Friends of ours had to leave their cars and walk home as doing that was quicker than staying in a car in traffic that was hardly moving!

The kids have enjoyed the snow, though the latest batch has not been as snowman friendly as the last lot.  It has impinged our plans.  I was hoping to visit my old work but was not able to due to the snow, as well as drop of a few presents in Ipswich.  We did manage to do some last bits of shopping yesterday though, Bluewater being very quiet.  As always, it was great to spend time with the kids, though my son has started to dislike spending an afternoon in a shopping centre!

Since I last posted, my mother has been up to baby-sit allowing my wife and I to go out for a meal in Jardine in Wivenhoe.  If you want to eat there, I would recommend it.  I love the meal, and of course, was very grateful to my mother for looking after the kids.  The only down side was that she took my coat and gloves to her house rather than her own which means in the cold weather, I have been a bit colder that I would be normally!

I thought that I had better post another amusing political picture, one which considering the proposed changes to the NHS is a bit topical.  

Anyway, have to go, take care all!  

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Evening all.  Quick post.  I did not get to spend time with the kids yesterday as I was at work.  Spent a bit of time with them, but not as much as I would have liked.  Today though, took them to my mother, and my wife's parents.  They got to see my two brothers, and they loved it.  That is the kids, and my side of the family.  And of course they loved going to my wife's parents.  All in all, a good day with them all.  Anyway, time to go to bed.  And then to work.  Where my manager is a Spurs fan.  And that is going to be hard to bear...

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Morning all. As usual, I hope that you all are well. Just a quick update on the kids. On Monday, I read my daughter the story of Mr Snow.

Now, if you watch it, at two minutes and 45 seconds, you find that Father Christmas is stuck. When I read that bit to my daughter, I asked her what would happen as he would not be able to deliver the childrens christmas presents. Her answer? "He can walk." Not "Why can he not walk?" But a statement, delivered in a voice that said that she was not impressed, that come Christmas Eve, he would have to walk around the world to give presents to all the good children!  As I worked late last night, I did not get the chance to spend any time with them yesterday, but I hope to spend some quality time with them today when I get back from work.  Well, take care all!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Evening all.  I am feeling recharged and ready to once again face work.  When I say it like that, it makes it sound worse than it is.  I am one of those lucky enough to love my work, and I really like where I am working.  Of course, at the moment, I am having to spend more time away from my family, which is a pity as they give me so much strength.

Today for example, I managed to sleep until about eight o'clock.  Which is a major lie in when you have kids!  Considering I was working till midnight, that was a sleep I really needed.  So afterwards, I got to spend time with them, feeding them.  Ideally I would have liked to relax, but they wanted to go to the newsagents.  Or rather, the sweetie shop.  Well, it just happens to sell newspapers, magazines and the like.  You see, my wife does her best to feed them healthy food, ideally organic produce, and I take them on walks and then tank them up with e-numbers and sugar.  But afterwards, we went to the park.  And it rained.  Now this would not be a problem if they were wearing any of the many coats that they have with hoods.  But both wanted not to wear coats with hoods.  And the moron that I am, I let them.  This would have been a sensible suggestion had I taken them for a walk when they wanted to go.  It was sunny then.  But I was too lazy (or tired).  And by the time I had done a man-clean I then took them out when the sky was grey.  And then the clouds got darker.  So by the time that we went to the playground it started to spit.  And then rain. Luckily my wife had woken up and drove to pick up the kids.  And as it was not raining too hard, they were not that wet.  And they had a great time.  As did I.

I was hoping to watch the Arsenal game.  But the kids would not let me.  I did get to watch the highlights though.  I also got to watch bits of the news, notably the interview of IDTS about the Con-Dems views on getting people back to work.  To be fair, if the plans work, it will be great.  My solution is a bit controversial.  A Citizen's income.  And then there is no problems for those on benefits going into work.  

Anyway, take care all, and I hope you like this.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

   

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Afternoon all.  I hope you all are well.  Today has been a good day, though I am taking time to post this in a break at work.  Got to spend the morning with the kids.  My wife was involved (with many other mothers) in a fete for pre-school which is where my son will be going later, and where my daughter went before going to school.  They loved it there.  Nails getting painted, stick-on-tattoos and of course, bargain toys.  When I left them for work, they had got a road set up on the floor and were driving cars round it.  It is thoughts like that which will keep me going on this very late shift!

Anyway, take care all.   



DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. We REALLY need to talk = you're in deep shit.
8. Sure, go ahead = you better not
9. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
11.You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Evening all.  I am a bit tired, but have had a great day with the kids.  Got to take my daughter to school, and although my wife said otherwise, I was able to get my son to walk there.  I had to carry him back, but only because I was walking back with one of the mothers who lives on our street and he was having problems keeping up.  My daughter was a bit freaked out by me taking her in, especially when I took her to the 'wrong' gate.  (She did not know that the entrance gate had changed.)  Afterwards, got to spend time with my son, which, I think he loved.  The three of us went out and I think that he enjoyed getting time with his parents without his sister being there, though he loves her loads.

We were a bit late picking her up, and thanks to Sally for looking after her until we arrived!  Anyway, other than the illness, it has been a good week.  I do feel more refreshed and hopefully, when I am back at work, I will be much more efficient.

And the time spent with kids is priceless.  My son this week told me that the house is Mummy's house, and when I asked him were mine was, he told me it was at work!  Sad in a way, but funny as well.

Anyway, if you want a laugh, have a look at the joke below.  Take care. 

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of

boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost

instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply

using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,

thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from

rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be

afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know

when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Anyone else notice how long it takes to spell, "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" using alphabetti spaghetti?

The good news is that I am feeling better.  The bad news is that my daughter was doing the exorcist last night.  Just for clarification, that meant vomiting rather than being possessed by a demonic entity.
 

My son though appears to be well.  But with him, my wife and I are waiting for it to happen, it is almost worse than if he as ill.  But I prefer fearing him being ill, as opposed to him actually being ill.

Anyway, thanks to the bed rest that I had the day before, I feel more capable of looking after her now.  Unlike last night when I snapped at my wife.  Anyway, she is bed now getting rest, and my daughter gets to have more time off school.  I would be tempted to send her back sooner, but then I suspect she would just tell everyone that she was off.

On the bright side, Arsenal won last night.  Did not get to watch the highlights then, but if the kids let me, I will do so later today.

Anyway, I hope that you like the picture above and the music link below.  Of course, to refers to Rebecca Ferguson, someone who others think is good at singing.



And if not, tough. You might like the joke though.  If not, have a look at this weeks Apprentice.  The candidate who left, this week, was a joke.  

Four married men go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First man:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second man:
'That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would build her new decking for the garden'

Third man:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish.

When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth man:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her ar*e and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Evening all. I hope you are all feeling better that I do.  My daughter is feeling better, and for now, my son has escaped the bug that has spread in the house.  And yes, I am now in bed with it.  Aching, nausea, but unlike my daughter, no vomiting.  Anyway the kids had fun.  They went to Go Banana's, the kids play area where my wife had an interesting time.  My son who has been on hunger strike decided to eat (maybe it was everyone else eating that did it, but it worked!) and my wife was a bit sceptical that he would actually eat his food.  But he did.  My daughter who has been banned from school for 48 hours after her vomiting, had fun, but enjoyed running of to play in the area for bigger kids, which my son was not allowed to enter.

Anyway, they are now asleep and I am in bed with my lovely wife, aching all over and getting ready to watch The Apprentice.  Take care all.

And yes, the cartoon is about FAUX news.

"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." --------Winston Churchill

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

Today has been an interesting day.  It seemed to start so well.  I am off today and am back at work tomorrow.  Well, I was knackered last night, so did not go into work to catch up with my paperwork as I had planned.  Or rather, I did, but later on in the day.  Part of the reason was that, the other was because my wife is unwell.  Unfortunately, she had been unwell in the night.

So come the morning, I got the kids ready, and took my son to nursery.  He loved the walk.  Until he realised that I had taken him to nursery.  Needless to say he was not happy.  I did feel a bit guilty leaving him there.  My daughter, I took to school later on.  The issue was that I had to take her there with the books that she had read on the weekend.  A problem as I then realised that her book bag was empty. Searched, found two out of the three books.  Searched again.  And then I had ten minutes to take her on a twenty minute walk.  Well that was interesting.  Started by skipping, she naturally became tired, so a speed walk took place with her on my shoulders.

Well, that was a good workout.  I got her there a few minutes late, but fortunately, not too late.

Went to work, got back to go to her school with my still sadly unwell wife, and then was there for a kind of parent-teacher day.  Well, she is doing brilliantly at school.  I am proud of her no matter what she does, but her teacher is proud of her as well.  The only thing is that on the way home, she was ill.  And by ill, I mean vomiting in the car.  Managed to get her back, cleaned her up, cleaned the car up.  And now she is upstairs with my wife, the two of them feeling ill and awful in bed.

My son though is fine.  Which is strange as normally he and my wife are the ill ones.  Mind you, he will probably get this as well.  Did get to pick him up from nursery where I got to sneak in and watch him having a great time.  He gave me such a warm hug when he saw me.  He loved walking back at night, as he got to see loads of car headlights, and then I let him splash in puddles.  And we spent the evening together.  He was a bit upset that his sister gets to go to bed with my wife and that he does not.  But I read him a story in bed and that seemed to calm him down.

It is heartbreaking when they are ill.  Or do not want to be dropped of at nursery.  But while this day has had them being sad, it also had bits where they were very happy.  A shame that they had to be sad as well.  But then, things could be far worse, and I am very lucky to have two great kids, as well as an amazing wife.

Anyway, time to go. 

And I hope you like the song.



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of

her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid £6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid £3, 000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

I hate it when people misuse big words just to make themselves appear more intransigent.

Well, Arsenal lost.  It was a time when we knew that Newcastle would be up for revenge.  And we lost.

And I did not get to spend the time with the kids at the playground that I was planning to do.  Instead, after waking up late, we played about at home.  I got to feed them breakfast and then just stayed with them as my daughter had two friends coming round.  By the time they came, my son was asleep having been a pain in the day, I suspect because he is a bit unwell.  Anyway, my daughter had fun, and when my son woke up, he did too.  It is always nice to spend time with the kids, but I feel a bit guilty for not doing that much with them today.

Anyway, I do have a few days off this week.  Not all the week, but a few days.  I am aiming to spend Thursday and Friday with them, and though I have Monday off, I am going to be in work anyway catching up on paperwork before being back working for two days.  

Anyway, my guilty pleasure is X factor at the moment.  Really, it is one artist wannabe, though I do think that the competition standard is higher this year than in previous years.  Sad really.  Still might buy the anti-x factor single come Christmas like I did last year.

An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a settee and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital.

Once at casualty, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children.

Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.

"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "are they alright?"

The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..."

Michael Fitch review

Evening all.  Hope all of you are well.  It has been a little while since my last post, which is a shame as I have had quite a bit to post about!

Right, first of all, last weekend, my daughter had a joint birthday party with two boys from school.  That meant that we shared the costs, and effort, but most importantly, that meant that everyone from her class could be invited to the party.

There was an animated monkey that said that my daughter was its wife which made all the five year olds laugh, and a magician who came with it!  If you are interested in the magician, he was great and I would highly recommend him.

That was on Sunday.  Saturday of course was me at work, though I got to have lunch with the kids.  In the week, my son as been on hunger strike, not eating as much as he normally does, while my daughter has found her appetite not just for learning, but for normal food as well.  Which has meant that now, one of her trousers is tight!  When you have a daughter that was seen by the hosptial as she was too skinny, things like that mean a lot.

Today, they went down to see my wife's parents.  Last night, we got to set of fireworks, which they loved.  Anyway, I am actually posting this while on a break at work.  Am here till midnight.  I am looking forwards to spending time with the kids, and if the weather is nice, I will take them out to one of the local playgrounds again.  Anyway, take care all, and I hope you like the jokes...



NHS: "One in every three smokers die"

So the other two become immortal?

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose

Evening all.  I hope you all are well, well that is if anyone other than my mother reads this!

Quick update on the kids.  They are doing well.  Yesterday they went to see my wife's parents.  They loved it there.  The only problem is that they get used to 'no' meaning scream/try harder.  A rule that does not work with my wife and myself.

Tonight, after putting the kids to bed, I am hoping to get to listen to the Arsenal game.  I am concerned that we will get beaten.  We do not travel well to the North East, and Newcastle will be keen to take another big scalp after beating Chelski before.  Mind you, I did not think that we would take three points against Man Sh*tty, but we did.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Evening all. I post after a day at work.

Yesterday after working late at night, I got to spend time with the kids.  My wife unfortunately has been unwell which meant that I had to not catch up with my sleep.  But to be fair, I was lucky as it meant that I got to spend time with the kids!  I took them for their morning walk to the sweetie shop.  And then I had the option to take them back home, or take them for a walk.  So I did.  A long walk for them and they did really well.  And I took them to a different playground.  Well they loved it.  And I had a great time with them.  I am very lucky to have great kids like them.  And I am lucky to spend the time I have with the kids.  While I would love it to be longer I just have to appreciate the time I have, as having more time with them would mean problems in other areas.

And today it was the first day of half term.  So while my son spent time at nursery, my wife spent the day my daughter.  My son suspected something was up, probably because she was not in her school uniform and he asked if his sister was going to school.  And he did not want to go to the nursery.  Well he, like his sister, he is a smart cookie.  Anyway, I have to go to bed, so I will post about the Arsenal match at a later date.

I hear in Norfolk they're going to have their own take on horse racing's Breeders Cup.

It's called The In-breeders Cup

Potent: A shelter for the smallest teletubby.

Just a quick post before I take the kids out for a walk to the sweet shop.
As mentioned in the last post, my wife and I went to a math's evening at my daughters school on Wednesday with games on how to make maths fun.  So yesterday, before I went to work, we played a game of ticks and crosses.   
Using some dice that I use for roleplaying (a d4 and a d6), she would roll the dice, write the numbers and add them together.  

She was very proud to get so many ticks.  And if you are wondering about the title of the post, it refers to Po, one of the Tellytubbies.

Cameron & Clegg - putting the 'n' in cuts!

Well, let me start with my rant on politics. I would have posted sooner, but I forgot how to add pictures onto my blog.  But that has changed and now I can have my rant on politics.

Well, a lot has happened since I last made a post.  Most recently, the government has made loads of cuts.  They want to encourage people to find work, and have done so by making plans to sack loads of people.

And in addition to that, the UK is now to build an aircraft carrier without any planes!  Not that it makes sense to me.

But then I am not as clever as they are.  

I almost feel sorry for the Liberal Democrats.  So many promises made, and so many broken!

They gained loads of votes from people who would have voted labour.  Students for example who did not want to pay fees. 

And for some strange reason, I do not see many of those students voting for them come the next election.  And if crime goes up, I see the Conservatives being screwed.  

And considering that they are going to cut funding to both the police and prisons, hmm....

Anyway, back to the kids.  My daughter had her birthday on Monday.  My side of the family came up on Sunday and spent time with her which she loved, then not only did she let people know about her birthday at school on Monday, but my in-laws came up and picked her up from school!  It was a great two days for her.  A day at Build-A-Bear where she got to build a bear.  A purple one, which she named Purple!  And then on to the Early Learning Centre where she got toys for her fairy castle.  

Come Wednesday, I got back from work to put the kids to bed.  There was a maths evening at her school to which parents were invited to learn how to encourage getting kids to learn maths.  So my mother-in-law came up to babysit and then we got the kids ready for bed.  Just as we were about to go, my son did an Exorcist and then my daughter hearing her brother cry (and after being told by the mother-in-law that we were about to leave) burst out in tears.  Needless to say we were a bit late.  Anyway, time to go. Arsenal are to play Man City today and I am hoping we get to win. 

A blonde and a brunette were hanging off of a bridge. A boy had to pick which one to save. He said that he picked the blonde, so she clapped.


My mate said to me, "Can you give me a bed for the night?"


I said, "Yes, but you'll have to bring it back in the morning."

Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

A quick post from my mobile.

My daughter is five. I had intended to go to work early, but did not and instead was able to wake her up, sing happy birthday to her and watch her open her present. Jessie from Toy Story. She loved it and took her cowgirl doll into school. What amazed me more was that the doll came back intact! My son has Woody already and now loves him more now that his sister has Jessie. Ideally he would love Buzz, but he has to wait till Christmas to be surprised when he gets his own spaceranger!

Good night to any who read this. Time for me to get some kip.

NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Today is the last day that my daughter will be four.

Sad. Well, that is how I feel. Silly really. But she should enjoy tomorrow. And I hope she does not only enjoy that day, but I want her to enjoy many other birthdays to come.

And while I love her and want her to grow, I miss the vast amount of time that I do not get to spend with her, her brother, and her mother.

Anyway, here is wishing her a happy birthday.

10/10/10 Finally a date even the Yanks can't get wrong.

Evening all. Hope you all are well. Have just been to my mothers and met up with my brothers there. Of course, the kids loved seeing my mother. One of my brothers was ill so did not want to hug the kids, and my daughter refused to go near the bearded one as she gets nervous around him. Anyway am now at the in-laws. Relaxing with the papers while the kids run wild picking fruit in the garden.

Try braking, to give your driving a bit of 00mph

Evening all.  First of all, it is my youngest brothers birthday.  I got the kids to sing happy birthday to him and e-mailed the video to him (and others in the family).



I was woken up at four in the morning when my daughter was coughing.  Unfortunately I was not able to get back to sleep.  So what am I doing?  I am watching The Apprentice.  I will be going back to sleep soon though.
Back to my daughter, she is still is coughing, as I type.  And today she also has a hoarse voice.  She was not able to go to school, and at this rate, probably will not be going in tomorrow either.
My son is well, which is surprising as he is normally the ill one out of the two.   Hopefully he will not be too ill and she will get better soon.  And I will get some sleep.

British Golfing Terminology

1 A "Paris Hilton" - an expensive hole

2 A "Dennis Wise" - a nasty 5 footer

3 A "Salman Rushdie" - an impossible read

4 A "Rock Hudson" - looked straight, but it wasn't

5 A "Cuban" - needed one more revolution

6 An "Adolf Hitler" - two shots in the bunker

7 A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker straight into another

8 A "Yasser Arafat" - ugly and in the sand

9 A "Kate Winslett" - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

10 A "Liz McColgan" - Ugly but runs forever

11 A "Glen Miller" - didn't make it over the water

12 An "Arthur Scargill" - a great strike but a poor result

13 A "Russell Grant" - a fat iron

14 A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

15 An "OJ Simpson" - got away with it

16 A "Princess Grace" - should have taken a driver

17 A "Princess Di" - shouldn't have taken a driver

18 A "Robin Cook" - just died on the hill

19 A "Michael Jackson" - gradually fading

20 A "Douglas Bader" - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

21 A "Ken Livingstone" - quite far left

22 A "Jean-Marie LePen" - a long way right

23 A "Ladyboy" - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

24 A "condom" - safe but didn't feel real good

25 A "circus tent" - a BIG top

26 An "Anna Kournikova" - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

27 A "Vinnie Jones" - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

28 A "Sally Gunnell" - ugly, but a good runner

29 A" Brazilian" - Shaves both sides of the hole

I dream of a new world where a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned.

Comments from the teacher made yesterday in my daughters reading record -
Kipper's diary - explained what a diary was.  Read well.  (?slowed?) a bit on days of the week
Monty and the Ghost Train - read very well indeed
Naughty Joe - read well starting to tire so will read again tomorrow

 

Why did the blonde take a gun out canoeing?


Because she wanted to shoot the rapids.

Why isn't the USA in the Commonwealth Games too? I swear we used to own them also?

Evening all.  Kids are fine today.  My daughter asked my wife for some conkers.  Why, I do not know as she is not playing conkers.  My wife asked her to keep some for herself.  At the end of the day, all had been given away.  Me, I would have predicted it.  My wife, the optimist, thought that things would work out otherwise.  Which is worse?  Me for having so little faith in my lovely daughter, or my wife for having too much faith in her?


Anyway, that son of mine went to his nursery today.  When he was picked up, my wife was told that he had a great sense of humour and that the nursery nurses fought over who would get to look after him.  Apparently, they love him.  He only comes once a week and they think he is lovely, while there are other kids...


CREDIT CRUNCH MOVIE NAMES

Lidl Shop of Horrors
Thunderbirds Are Clamped
The Devil Wears Primark
28 Days Notice
Bin City
Me, Myself and Giro
Pre-Pay Sim City
Wall-e-Mart
Brassic Park
1 Dalmatian
Nightmare on Wall Street
Alice in Poundland
The hills have P45's
Northern Rocky IV
Terminator 2: County Court Judgement Day
The Shawshank Redundancy
Good Will Job Hunting
Total Product Recall
Trainhopping
Iceland Age
The Loan Arranger
P.S I owe you
Bronzefinger
Four Civil-Ceremonys & an Eviction
The Empire Cuts Back
Womb Raider
Spongebob No Pants
I still know what you Spent Last Summer
3 Men and a Baby P
Financial Fantasy
Jobless in Seattle
Terminator 2: Redundancy Pay
I.O.U robot
Winnie The Poor
Spar Trek

This Tory government is much like a rainbow.

It looks good from a distance, but on close inspection it has no real substance, you can see right through it and it's only there because of the sun.

Last night my girlfriend phoned me from the US. She was in a poor state. Mississippi in fact.

My wife is making me watch the X factor.  So I have posted a few answers on Yahoo Answers.   

My thoughts are that I suspect that not all will like the answer to one of the questions, that being about the stance of the Catholic church on contraception.
My view is that people are going to have sex outside marriage.  Ideally monogamy is going to be the best thing to reduce the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, but it is not for everyone.  And just because one person is monogamous, that does mean that the other person is going to be.

Anyway, Arsenal lost.  Not that it was a surprise.  At least we tried.  And I can pretend that the injuries that we have made a difference to the outcome.  I did not get to watch as much of the match as I would have liked.  My son wanted some attention, and considering that I hardly see him, how could I deny that to him.  And when my daughter got back from her party, she wanted to read to me, something I had to force her to do in the past.

Even when they drive me mad, I love them loads. 

Why Indian students are disliked in the US (I saw this posted by someone born in India who moved over a few years ago on an internet forum I am a member of a few days ago).

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians.'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'.

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.